It Still Hurts

Tennessee State Line

Tennessee State Line (Photo credit: J. Stephen Conn)

I am sitting here this morning crying again. My husband kissed me goodbye and just rode off on his motorcycle, headed to Tennessee. He has a driving job and the employer is located there and would prefer to hire someone in that area, so he’s moving. He was working for an AC company that was going to help him become certified in different areas but when he found this opportunity, he quit.

Since I last wrote, we have been separated. He had moved in with a friend of his although most of his things are still here. But we have still been talking, texting and he has spent some nights over here.

Last Sunday, we all went to Disney together before our kids go back to school.  And he has been staying here ever since. We only had a couple little spats that were really brief but then again, we haven’t been talking about anything really serious and avoiding any topics that might spark something. Our oldest daughter, also made us promise we would not argue at the park.

Looking back, I have cried a lot over this relationship.  It seems we have always been separating in some kind of way. I love him despite it all but I’m just so tired of the hurt we cause each other even without intending to. When we are together, I do feel tied down at times, unable to be free in what I say or do. He says he doesn’t care but his actions say otherwise.

At the moment, I do not feel like writing about our issues anymore that led us to this point. I’m still having a hard time believing that we may never be together again like we have for the last 20 years. And if it’s really for the best, then why does it hurt so bad?

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Separated and Its Complicated

So he’s back in town already. If you are new here, you’ll have to read previous posts under the Me category.

It was my 2nd day back to work this week and 2nd day without him and he text asking if I was at work. I had just got done and was going to work out. I let him know and after I’m at the gym, he says he’s at his friends and to pick him up when I’m done so that he can get his bike and a few things. Then he comments, had he know. I was going to the gym, he could have gone there first to stare at the bootay.

So then I don’t stay long at the gym because if I have to get him, I need to make sure I’m home on time to take our oldest to get college stuff. I leave and pick him up. He jokes with me about me getting in shape now that he’s gone, even though I started before he left. Our daughter is home so he talks with her and then tells me he is having someone come over the next morning to trim the trees over the house and he’s going to start fixing up the back yard for us.

Now he’s motivated to do this? My guess is that will give him excuse to b around a lot. Which is fine I guess. He’s going to make me crazy either way, at least some stuff will get done.

But tonight was first he stayed at his new place and its really hard knowing he’s in town but not at home with us anymore. When he’s over the road away, it’s because of his job and although I worry about is safety, it’s kind of bearable but now it’s just painful. He told me I could text him later. He text first and it was small talk but I know it has to be hard. I know how hard it was for me when I moved out before we were married and we split up. I was sick to my stomach and heartbroken. And granted we didn’t have kids then but that was just as bad if not worse because I had no ties to him at all then and I knew I wanted to be with only him so bad.

I dont know what’s going to happen. I still think we need to give us all a break but I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else or wanting to be with anyone else. Even though he’s hurt me, I can’t stand hurting him.

Both of our girls have reacted differently the. I thought. Our oldest was more somber when saying goodbye and seemed a little sadder and although our youngest hugged and kissed him Alot, she hid any sadness and was her usual crazy self after we left him at his place.

Also, when I tell people what he said about people who separate, don’t usually get back together, I was surprised that most of these people who had been supporting my separation, said that’s not true. Sometimes a separation is just what is needed.

Anyhow, he unfriended and blocked me from his Facebook awhile ago and I had to log out to view his page. Just being nosey and I seen that he didn’t waste any time changing status to single. I hadn’t changed mine since I’m technically still married but I still had a hard time putting separated down. Should I point that out to him? It kind of bothers me. Don’t want to spark an argument and don’t want to give false hope when I don’t even know what the future will be but I still want him to know how I feel.

Unconditional Love

English:

English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the last day of waking up with my husband.  No arguments. We were loving and held each other. I took him to his truck so that he could get back over the road working.  I was in tears and we hugged and kissed. He will ALWAYS be the love of my life. A lot of history, 2 kids, and unconditional love. So why couldn’t we make it work?

Too many arguments, too much hurt, too many problems to work out is what I’ll tell you but he would disagree. He thinks all of our problems could be worked out, if we just start over and work on our Trust and Communication. He thinks if I would only put my marriage first, quit my job, quit my band and concentrate on us, that we could heal and get stronger. But there are things, that I have always overlooked and put up with, simply because I wanted to be with him. Also, he wasn’t home all the time, so out of sight, out of mind. Plus, although, I never understood it as a kid, I now get why people try to stay together for the kids. I used to think how stupid it was to stay with someone, just because of the kids. I still do, however, what they neglect to say is what I feel, although we argued and had lots of unresolved disagreements, I wanted to try to compromise  because I still loved this man, I loved the father of my children and because I love my children, I often felt like I owed it to them to give their father all my unconditional love as well and work on our relationship.

However, now it is ending and I am finding it very difficult to even say it out loud. Its like a death even though I know I will see him again and I am so thankful that we have our daughters. Its similar to when I was pregnant with our 1st born and he decided he needed to move to Illinois to live with his dad and go to school. When he was packing up his moving truck, he wanted me to go. I was like 7 months pregnant. Hormonal and heartbroken. I couldn’t just pick up and go. That was an example right there of our differences. I wanted to be crazy and just go but I was logical and I couldn’t just take off like that, leaving a job that I had health insurance with and my family expecting their first grandchild. So I stayed behind….thinking that he would find someone else, because he was too far away and although the thought of him being with anyone else but me, was excruciating, I stayed strong with the thoughts of taking care of our baby and the fact that at least I would still be tied to him and that maybe one day we’d be together.

I didn’t have to wait long. He called me all the time and came back to visit before she was born and then shortly afterwards he came back too. We talked constantly during those times about how we felt and what are problems were then and at that time, I understood some things about him and I knew I still wanted to be with him. Our daughter was born in February and by May, we got married.

We basically eloped, even though his mom was there, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents. Even though, he asked my dad for his permission to marry me. I was scared because they weren’t really happy with him about things he had done. I didn’t want anyone to ruin my happiness. So we agreed that we would plan another wedding later including all of our families but that never happened. And both of my parents found out on their own that we were married. So I broke their hearts too.

I know things will take time to heal. But I am scared of so many things. I miss him. There was a lot I loved about being married. But there was so much stress that he doesn’t understand. He kept telling me to let him worry about the bills. But I couldn’t do that. It stressed me out when we were behind almost all the time. No savings and living week to week sometimes day to day.

I don’t want to relive everything right now. I’m just trying to cope with it all. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and I’ll get through. I know I will, there’s no doubt because I have to for our kids. And I want to work on me. There is something wrong with me, whether anyone believes me or not. I need to get motivated and gain some ambition because, either I never had it, or I lost it a very long time ago. When I dream about doing great things, its awesome. But I’m not sure of the steps I need to take, or I doubt myself, or I get too lazy to do the work. Why is that? So that is another reason that I think I need to be on my own. It was too easy to lean on him and too easy to blame him for me not doing something, even if it was somewhat true. I only hope I have enough time to start over, heal myself and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know how he or anyone could truly want me any other way.

 

The End or a New Beginning?

Let's Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello

Let’s Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So if you’ve followed along or know me or anything about the fact that I’ve been having problems with my marriage, you know only a little bit about how we argue too much about everything.  Married for 16 years and been together for a total of 20. I have said and will continue to say how much I love him and always will. And today, he showed me once more why I really love him.

First let me briefly update what happened last Thursday. When I got home from work, my husband wanted us to go to Chili’s. He said, just him and I could get 2 for 1 drinks and a couple appetizers. He was surprised that I agreed to go. When we got there, after ordering, he told me he planned to start moving in with his friend the next day. He explained that he would stay at our house over the weekend and be leaving to go over the road but that when he came home, he would start living in a room at his buddies house. He said he cannot stay with me and continue to wonder who I’m talking to or writing and worry about me in the band or at work.  And since I am not willing to quit my job and take a break from the band for awhile, he cannot stick around. He also knew that I was planning to talk to a lawyer and was hurt that I was just biding my time. It was hard to hear all of this but the more he talked, the more we fell back into our old routine of arguing. And I could tell that he was just trying to get me to fight for our marriage and tell him not to go. We went round and round. He would get angry and yell and I would too and then we’d calm down. When we left, he went to another local bar, where we were pleasant and had 2 drinks each and went home. He cooked dinner and joked with me.

Friday morning, he said he was going to start moving his dresser out, etc…talked about the bills…etc…I teared up again, just as I had the night before and he got frustrated because he was still hoping I would beg him to stay and tell him I would compromise.  And he had to keep bringing it up which started us arguing again about the same stuff and him threatening to hate me because I was forcing him to leave his kids. Even though I told him he could see them whenever he wanted. I know he was hurt but he expresses it with anger, so he slammed doors, called me horrible names and stomped around.

Our girls were at school and our youngest was going to a friends house for the weekend after school so she didn’t come home but our oldest daughter walked in on the end of it, which I had to apologize to her for again. I did not plan for them to be around when we separate. Anyhow, I had to go sing in my band that night, so I asked her if she wanted to go. She did and before I left, I noticed my phone missing. I called it and it went right to voice mail so I knew my husband had taken it.

When we got home that night, he showed up shortly afterwards. We watched a movie and went to bed. He was then loving to me and the next day he had to go somewhere and he took our daughter with him. They were out very late but today, he got up and moved some more stuff, went out and came back. I made dinner and both of our girls were not home when it was ready, so just me and him ate in the living room with the TV off. He then started talking calmly. And it was exactly how I wanted him to be but so sad and so hard to hear.

He told me some of the same stuff but said, he is still going to move in with his friend but he can’t leave here with us fighting and us not ok.  He said he’s sorry for things he’s done and wishes he could change those things but he can’t. Just like I can’t change what I did that hurt him. He said he agrees that we need a break and that our kids need a break from us fighting. He said maybe we are holding each other back because we both worry about doing things because of the other one and that is also because of our failure to communicate. He just wants me to understand how much he truly loves me and our kids and that maybe if we separate and heal, then maybe in the future we can try again. Because he is willing to do everything I need but I have to want to. But if I decide I do, then it will be up to him at that time. And if not, then we can still be friends. He wanted me to know, that he’s not going to go be with anyone else, all he wants to do right now, is concentrate on getting back to work. He told me awhile ago, he came across some good paying runs that will make him and who ever he drives for a lot of money. So he’s going to concentrate on making money and building his own small trucking business again. He hopes I do well with the band and maybe he’ll be able to come see me some time and he hopes I go do whatever it is I want to do.  And for the next few days until he has to fly out to get in a truck, he just wants us to not argue and  to just enjoy being together.

I know I’m going to see him again and I know everything will be okay. It just hurts because I wish he could be that man all the time and live here with that attitude. But I’m glad he is saying that maybe us separating will be a good thing for both of us whether we get back together or not.

Anyhow he is out talking with a friend right now and I’m going to be a mess for awhile, even though this has to happen.

 

Preface Eye of the Storm

Book header/footer

Book header/footer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has been a long time since I last wrote and I did not plan on staying away so long. Nor did I plan to come back with a whole new purpose for writing.

I am in the process of starting a whole new journey in my life. I am heartbroken over the upcoming end of the life I know because I wanted with all my heart for it to b a long happy one with the man I love by my side. But I am coming to realize that we have far too many problems. We had problems 20 years ago and now that we are still having problems, I do not want to spend another 20 still trying. I have lost faith that it will truly get better. And it’s extremely hard to walk away when I know we both still love each other so much. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the idea of leaving. It hurts to think about it and I know it’s going to hurt him.

And then I also think about being on my own. Making my own decisions about
money and what to do for fun and being able to go out w/ family and friends or band practice without having to worry about if I’m going to have an attitude from him before I go or when I get back or maybe while I’m there, I may get text messages and if I don’t answer fast enough, I get smart ass comments about why I haven’t answered. I will also not miss going to our daughters performances without my husband because he doesn’t want to go. Having to see my daughter get upset on stage because he didn’t make it again even though he wasn’t working. And then having to try to console her by telling her that I know he loves her.

My purpose in writing again is to keep a journal of everything of significance that happens as I make this break from him. However, I want people to understand why I am leaving and I want people to understand why I felt I had to stay so long.

So as I write new blogs, I will be updating new events or dramas in my life and take you back to the beginning as best I can remember.