The End or a New Beginning?

Let's Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello

Let’s Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So if you’ve followed along or know me or anything about the fact that I’ve been having problems with my marriage, you know only a little bit about how we argue too much about everything.  Married for 16 years and been together for a total of 20. I have said and will continue to say how much I love him and always will. And today, he showed me once more why I really love him.

First let me briefly update what happened last Thursday. When I got home from work, my husband wanted us to go to Chili’s. He said, just him and I could get 2 for 1 drinks and a couple appetizers. He was surprised that I agreed to go. When we got there, after ordering, he told me he planned to start moving in with his friend the next day. He explained that he would stay at our house over the weekend and be leaving to go over the road but that when he came home, he would start living in a room at his buddies house. He said he cannot stay with me and continue to wonder who I’m talking to or writing and worry about me in the band or at work.  And since I am not willing to quit my job and take a break from the band for awhile, he cannot stick around. He also knew that I was planning to talk to a lawyer and was hurt that I was just biding my time. It was hard to hear all of this but the more he talked, the more we fell back into our old routine of arguing. And I could tell that he was just trying to get me to fight for our marriage and tell him not to go. We went round and round. He would get angry and yell and I would too and then we’d calm down. When we left, he went to another local bar, where we were pleasant and had 2 drinks each and went home. He cooked dinner and joked with me.

Friday morning, he said he was going to start moving his dresser out, etc…talked about the bills…etc…I teared up again, just as I had the night before and he got frustrated because he was still hoping I would beg him to stay and tell him I would compromise.  And he had to keep bringing it up which started us arguing again about the same stuff and him threatening to hate me because I was forcing him to leave his kids. Even though I told him he could see them whenever he wanted. I know he was hurt but he expresses it with anger, so he slammed doors, called me horrible names and stomped around.

Our girls were at school and our youngest was going to a friends house for the weekend after school so she didn’t come home but our oldest daughter walked in on the end of it, which I had to apologize to her for again. I did not plan for them to be around when we separate. Anyhow, I had to go sing in my band that night, so I asked her if she wanted to go. She did and before I left, I noticed my phone missing. I called it and it went right to voice mail so I knew my husband had taken it.

When we got home that night, he showed up shortly afterwards. We watched a movie and went to bed. He was then loving to me and the next day he had to go somewhere and he took our daughter with him. They were out very late but today, he got up and moved some more stuff, went out and came back. I made dinner and both of our girls were not home when it was ready, so just me and him ate in the living room with the TV off. He then started talking calmly. And it was exactly how I wanted him to be but so sad and so hard to hear.

He told me some of the same stuff but said, he is still going to move in with his friend but he can’t leave here with us fighting and us not ok.  He said he’s sorry for things he’s done and wishes he could change those things but he can’t. Just like I can’t change what I did that hurt him. He said he agrees that we need a break and that our kids need a break from us fighting. He said maybe we are holding each other back because we both worry about doing things because of the other one and that is also because of our failure to communicate. He just wants me to understand how much he truly loves me and our kids and that maybe if we separate and heal, then maybe in the future we can try again. Because he is willing to do everything I need but I have to want to. But if I decide I do, then it will be up to him at that time. And if not, then we can still be friends. He wanted me to know, that he’s not going to go be with anyone else, all he wants to do right now, is concentrate on getting back to work. He told me awhile ago, he came across some good paying runs that will make him and who ever he drives for a lot of money. So he’s going to concentrate on making money and building his own small trucking business again. He hopes I do well with the band and maybe he’ll be able to come see me some time and he hopes I go do whatever it is I want to do.  And for the next few days until he has to fly out to get in a truck, he just wants us to not argue and  to just enjoy being together.

I know I’m going to see him again and I know everything will be okay. It just hurts because I wish he could be that man all the time and live here with that attitude. But I’m glad he is saying that maybe us separating will be a good thing for both of us whether we get back together or not.

Anyhow he is out talking with a friend right now and I’m going to be a mess for awhile, even though this has to happen.

 

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In Love?

English: Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted E...

English: Love Book – The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Relationship Success (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(SOME PARTS OF THIS BLOG CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT. I HAVE TRIED NOT TO GIVE OUT TOO MUCH INFORMATION BUT IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU OR UNCOMFORTABLE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE)

My husband is supposed to be going back over the road. And I am feeling sad. I will miss having him next to me. He has been nicer lately but I know we still need to separate. The only reason we are not arguing is because we are not really talking. And he keeps looking at me with love. I can see it and feel it. I know he really loves me. I really love him too. People tell me it’s just because we have kids and all these years but I’m not “in love” with him. I used to think I knew what that meant.

Now it’s all so confusing. Especially, the physical relationship. There has never really been a problem there. Yes, sometimes it got predictable and humdrum and after my second child, I did suffer from extreme fatigue causing me to fall fast asleep before I could even attempt to initiate anything. But the intent was always there. And in the last several years, he has admitted to doing some research which has been paying off for me dramatically. I recently came across a daily email he gets on pleasing a woman when he needed me to go into his mail and send out his resume. After 20 years, one notices when something is different and maybe wasn’t his own doing which has caused me at times to wonder where he learned something from. But I also had to trust that maybe, like me, he had just decided to try something he had fantasized about. Anyhow, the last email I saw about a particular style, happened this morning and it was amazing.

Its funny because after he talked about moving out, we were not talking much and as one would imagine, no intimacy and then it changed and its like he’s pulling out all the stops again to hold on to me with sex. Granted, I’ll miss all of that if it has to stop but since sex has nothing to do with why I’ve been unhappy in the first place, its not what is gonna fix our problem. I wouldn’t be opposed to trying it non stop if I knew it could either.

Thing is I’m so conflicted about giving into it. If I don’t, he’ll know something is wrong. He’ll think its someone else and I wont want to tell him what the real issue is yet so he wont believe me if I tell him there’s no one else. I also don’t want to reject him out of selfish lust and out of enjoying the closeness with him, not knowing when the last time will be. But then it makes me feel like I am betraying him again by letting him think we are going to work this out, when as much as I’d like to, I still see signs everyday that tell me we still need to separate.

If only we could just not live together and still only be with eachother, I could almost see that as a possibility for me. But I know, he wouldn’t be okay with it and I might even start worrying about what he’s doing as well. I hate this so much, I just want to get on with my life and be able to make my own decisions without feeling like I’m going against someone else’s wishes.