So today was the last day of waking up with my husband. No arguments. We were loving and held each other. I took him to his truck so that he could get back over the road working. I was in tears and we hugged and kissed. He will ALWAYS be the love of my life. A lot of history, 2 kids, and unconditional love. So why couldn’t we make it work?
Too many arguments, too much hurt, too many problems to work out is what I’ll tell you but he would disagree. He thinks all of our problems could be worked out, if we just start over and work on our Trust and Communication. He thinks if I would only put my marriage first, quit my job, quit my band and concentrate on us, that we could heal and get stronger. But there are things, that I have always overlooked and put up with, simply because I wanted to be with him. Also, he wasn’t home all the time, so out of sight, out of mind. Plus, although, I never understood it as a kid, I now get why people try to stay together for the kids. I used to think how stupid it was to stay with someone, just because of the kids. I still do, however, what they neglect to say is what I feel, although we argued and had lots of unresolved disagreements, I wanted to try to compromise because I still loved this man, I loved the father of my children and because I love my children, I often felt like I owed it to them to give their father all my unconditional love as well and work on our relationship.
However, now it is ending and I am finding it very difficult to even say it out loud. Its like a death even though I know I will see him again and I am so thankful that we have our daughters. Its similar to when I was pregnant with our 1st born and he decided he needed to move to Illinois to live with his dad and go to school. When he was packing up his moving truck, he wanted me to go. I was like 7 months pregnant. Hormonal and heartbroken. I couldn’t just pick up and go. That was an example right there of our differences. I wanted to be crazy and just go but I was logical and I couldn’t just take off like that, leaving a job that I had health insurance with and my family expecting their first grandchild. So I stayed behind….thinking that he would find someone else, because he was too far away and although the thought of him being with anyone else but me, was excruciating, I stayed strong with the thoughts of taking care of our baby and the fact that at least I would still be tied to him and that maybe one day we’d be together.
I didn’t have to wait long. He called me all the time and came back to visit before she was born and then shortly afterwards he came back too. We talked constantly during those times about how we felt and what are problems were then and at that time, I understood some things about him and I knew I still wanted to be with him. Our daughter was born in February and by May, we got married.
We basically eloped, even though his mom was there, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents. Even though, he asked my dad for his permission to marry me. I was scared because they weren’t really happy with him about things he had done. I didn’t want anyone to ruin my happiness. So we agreed that we would plan another wedding later including all of our families but that never happened. And both of my parents found out on their own that we were married. So I broke their hearts too.
I know things will take time to heal. But I am scared of so many things. I miss him. There was a lot I loved about being married. But there was so much stress that he doesn’t understand. He kept telling me to let him worry about the bills. But I couldn’t do that. It stressed me out when we were behind almost all the time. No savings and living week to week sometimes day to day.
I don’t want to relive everything right now. I’m just trying to cope with it all. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and I’ll get through. I know I will, there’s no doubt because I have to for our kids. And I want to work on me. There is something wrong with me, whether anyone believes me or not. I need to get motivated and gain some ambition because, either I never had it, or I lost it a very long time ago. When I dream about doing great things, its awesome. But I’m not sure of the steps I need to take, or I doubt myself, or I get too lazy to do the work. Why is that? So that is another reason that I think I need to be on my own. It was too easy to lean on him and too easy to blame him for me not doing something, even if it was somewhat true. I only hope I have enough time to start over, heal myself and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know how he or anyone could truly want me any other way.