Unconditional Love


English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the last day of waking up with my husband.  No arguments. We were loving and held each other. I took him to his truck so that he could get back over the road working.  I was in tears and we hugged and kissed. He will ALWAYS be the love of my life. A lot of history, 2 kids, and unconditional love. So why couldn’t we make it work?

Too many arguments, too much hurt, too many problems to work out is what I’ll tell you but he would disagree. He thinks all of our problems could be worked out, if we just start over and work on our Trust and Communication. He thinks if I would only put my marriage first, quit my job, quit my band and concentrate on us, that we could heal and get stronger. But there are things, that I have always overlooked and put up with, simply because I wanted to be with him. Also, he wasn’t home all the time, so out of sight, out of mind. Plus, although, I never understood it as a kid, I now get why people try to stay together for the kids. I used to think how stupid it was to stay with someone, just because of the kids. I still do, however, what they neglect to say is what I feel, although we argued and had lots of unresolved disagreements, I wanted to try to compromise  because I still loved this man, I loved the father of my children and because I love my children, I often felt like I owed it to them to give their father all my unconditional love as well and work on our relationship.

However, now it is ending and I am finding it very difficult to even say it out loud. Its like a death even though I know I will see him again and I am so thankful that we have our daughters. Its similar to when I was pregnant with our 1st born and he decided he needed to move to Illinois to live with his dad and go to school. When he was packing up his moving truck, he wanted me to go. I was like 7 months pregnant. Hormonal and heartbroken. I couldn’t just pick up and go. That was an example right there of our differences. I wanted to be crazy and just go but I was logical and I couldn’t just take off like that, leaving a job that I had health insurance with and my family expecting their first grandchild. So I stayed behind….thinking that he would find someone else, because he was too far away and although the thought of him being with anyone else but me, was excruciating, I stayed strong with the thoughts of taking care of our baby and the fact that at least I would still be tied to him and that maybe one day we’d be together.

I didn’t have to wait long. He called me all the time and came back to visit before she was born and then shortly afterwards he came back too. We talked constantly during those times about how we felt and what are problems were then and at that time, I understood some things about him and I knew I still wanted to be with him. Our daughter was born in February and by May, we got married.

We basically eloped, even though his mom was there, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents. Even though, he asked my dad for his permission to marry me. I was scared because they weren’t really happy with him about things he had done. I didn’t want anyone to ruin my happiness. So we agreed that we would plan another wedding later including all of our families but that never happened. And both of my parents found out on their own that we were married. So I broke their hearts too.

I know things will take time to heal. But I am scared of so many things. I miss him. There was a lot I loved about being married. But there was so much stress that he doesn’t understand. He kept telling me to let him worry about the bills. But I couldn’t do that. It stressed me out when we were behind almost all the time. No savings and living week to week sometimes day to day.

I don’t want to relive everything right now. I’m just trying to cope with it all. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and I’ll get through. I know I will, there’s no doubt because I have to for our kids. And I want to work on me. There is something wrong with me, whether anyone believes me or not. I need to get motivated and gain some ambition because, either I never had it, or I lost it a very long time ago. When I dream about doing great things, its awesome. But I’m not sure of the steps I need to take, or I doubt myself, or I get too lazy to do the work. Why is that? So that is another reason that I think I need to be on my own. It was too easy to lean on him and too easy to blame him for me not doing something, even if it was somewhat true. I only hope I have enough time to start over, heal myself and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know how he or anyone could truly want me any other way.



Starting Over

I am finding myself very nostalgic and in a loving mood tonight. My husband has no idea that I am planning to leave unless by some miracle, we can work things out. In my heart I wish that could happen but in my head I know it won’t at least not if I keep doing things his way.

My brother is keeping me grounded by reinforcing all the reasons we need to separate. He was up visiting our dad and because of how my husband acted on our daughters 16 th birthday….he didn’t come to the house. I met him for lunch and filled him in on our most recent argument.

It started because my husband went into my Facebook again and seen a singles app. It was something I vaguely remember clicking on cuz probably said a friend or something sent me a message or a pic but in order to see it, you hAve to allow app access to your stuff and then you have to subscribe which I didn’t but I never got rid of it and hubby thought I was talking to all these guys and it was just an example page. I finally got him to realize it but he showed our daughter to be his witness even though he had already taken a picture. And we still argued and he smashed my laptop and started throwing out my clothes trying to get me to leave. I couldn’t leave like that without my girls. I was scared he would use it against me.

Now as far as his jealousy goes, he does have some reasons recently. And I will get to that later but let me say, I have never slept with anyone other then my husband since the 1st time we started seeing each other but my husband has always been worried that I would and out of love and trying to be understanding, I have always tried to make sure I didn’t give him any reasons to think he couldn’t trust me.

But now trust is really an issue and that is all my fault. Just when I thought I was really making some progress in that area after 20 years.

Anyhow, his cold rage and irate anger showed again. Even though he has never been a physical abuser, there were a few times he was physical. But it’s mostly the verbal abuse and controlling nature that he denies. Because of this, I knew I had to refuse to leave. I hoped he wouldn’t try to drag me out with our kids in the house but I really didn’t know I the moment. So I refused to go as I sat crying. And finally he stopped yelling and throwing my clothes. Then startted saying what he usually does about if I want to stay with him and asking me if I did because I love him and not because of the kids. Which sounds crazy but I do love and care about him. I just love our kids more and I need to take the hard road to prove it, I guess.

And now that is where I at. I am doing what I need to in order to keep things peaceful and loving as I research the group legal plan that I have and start cleaning out this house. Preparing for whatever the future holds. Ideally, I would stay here with our girls and he leaves but if he refuses to go then I have all of my family supporting me. I only hope that if that happens that my girls don’t hate me.

A Mom’s Parental View VS. God’s

Jesus from the Deesis Mosaic

Jesus from the Deesis Mosaic (Photo credit: jakebouma)

So if you are a Christian and you believe that Jesus died for you, then when you die, you will be rewarded with all the treasures in Heaven.    If not, you will burn and/or be tormented in Hell for eternity.

Mathew 25:41   Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:

This is our warning from our Heavenly Father. How does my parenting style compare to the teachings in the Bible? To read more, please go to: http://tracyspost.com/?p=245