Unconditional Love


English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the last day of waking up with my husband.  No arguments. We were loving and held each other. I took him to his truck so that he could get back over the road working.  I was in tears and we hugged and kissed. He will ALWAYS be the love of my life. A lot of history, 2 kids, and unconditional love. So why couldn’t we make it work?

Too many arguments, too much hurt, too many problems to work out is what I’ll tell you but he would disagree. He thinks all of our problems could be worked out, if we just start over and work on our Trust and Communication. He thinks if I would only put my marriage first, quit my job, quit my band and concentrate on us, that we could heal and get stronger. But there are things, that I have always overlooked and put up with, simply because I wanted to be with him. Also, he wasn’t home all the time, so out of sight, out of mind. Plus, although, I never understood it as a kid, I now get why people try to stay together for the kids. I used to think how stupid it was to stay with someone, just because of the kids. I still do, however, what they neglect to say is what I feel, although we argued and had lots of unresolved disagreements, I wanted to try to compromise  because I still loved this man, I loved the father of my children and because I love my children, I often felt like I owed it to them to give their father all my unconditional love as well and work on our relationship.

However, now it is ending and I am finding it very difficult to even say it out loud. Its like a death even though I know I will see him again and I am so thankful that we have our daughters. Its similar to when I was pregnant with our 1st born and he decided he needed to move to Illinois to live with his dad and go to school. When he was packing up his moving truck, he wanted me to go. I was like 7 months pregnant. Hormonal and heartbroken. I couldn’t just pick up and go. That was an example right there of our differences. I wanted to be crazy and just go but I was logical and I couldn’t just take off like that, leaving a job that I had health insurance with and my family expecting their first grandchild. So I stayed behind….thinking that he would find someone else, because he was too far away and although the thought of him being with anyone else but me, was excruciating, I stayed strong with the thoughts of taking care of our baby and the fact that at least I would still be tied to him and that maybe one day we’d be together.

I didn’t have to wait long. He called me all the time and came back to visit before she was born and then shortly afterwards he came back too. We talked constantly during those times about how we felt and what are problems were then and at that time, I understood some things about him and I knew I still wanted to be with him. Our daughter was born in February and by May, we got married.

We basically eloped, even though his mom was there, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents. Even though, he asked my dad for his permission to marry me. I was scared because they weren’t really happy with him about things he had done. I didn’t want anyone to ruin my happiness. So we agreed that we would plan another wedding later including all of our families but that never happened. And both of my parents found out on their own that we were married. So I broke their hearts too.

I know things will take time to heal. But I am scared of so many things. I miss him. There was a lot I loved about being married. But there was so much stress that he doesn’t understand. He kept telling me to let him worry about the bills. But I couldn’t do that. It stressed me out when we were behind almost all the time. No savings and living week to week sometimes day to day.

I don’t want to relive everything right now. I’m just trying to cope with it all. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and I’ll get through. I know I will, there’s no doubt because I have to for our kids. And I want to work on me. There is something wrong with me, whether anyone believes me or not. I need to get motivated and gain some ambition because, either I never had it, or I lost it a very long time ago. When I dream about doing great things, its awesome. But I’m not sure of the steps I need to take, or I doubt myself, or I get too lazy to do the work. Why is that? So that is another reason that I think I need to be on my own. It was too easy to lean on him and too easy to blame him for me not doing something, even if it was somewhat true. I only hope I have enough time to start over, heal myself and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know how he or anyone could truly want me any other way.



Moment by Moment

This whole decision to leave my husband has been an emotional rollercoaster. My feelings change from moment to moment. This morning after I got ready for work, I went in and kissed my husband goodbye as he was still sleeping. My thoughts were similar to when you see your children sleeping and think how sweet they are “when they are sleeping” ha ha. Still it made me think about all his good qualities and how I know he will be hurt by my decision. Even now, I am choking up about this.

So I worked and before I left, my manager called me over. She said she was told by the GM of my plans to seek counseling for a Divorce. She was very understanding. I also told another coworker who commented that he’s worthless and I’ll will feel so much better. Even though she doesn’t know my husband, she’s been through a divorce. But again it hurt to hear that about him and not want to defend him. Again, I am starting to tear up.

Then tonight, my daughter said she was invited to go Go karting with boyfriend and his family tomorrow. I asked how much it was, she didn’t know. I was doing something else and we didn’t finish the discussion. But after I took a shower, she had gone to ask her dad. I walked by and he asked if I was working tomorrow. I said yes and then he continued to tell her No because both of us were working and she needed to stay home with her sister.

So after my daughter left the room, I went to try to talk to him about it saying that I didn’t have to leave for work until 11:15 and maybe our other daughter would not have to be home alone for that long. But he immediately was dismissive with me saying something like we are both working and Jess shouldn’t be alone and that’s it. So I responded something like, I’m not one of your children and I was trying to talk to you like an adult but I guess you have made up your mind and you are over riding me like always and your decision is final. Something else was said and then he said something like I know you are not my kid and I’m not over riding you…..blah blah blah. Then said “Ok so tell what you are gonna say” But he said it with that tone of voice that meant it didn’t matter what I said, he had made up his mind. And that’s what I told him. I also said I do not know how we are supposed to communicate effectively if this is your attitude. I asked him what time would she be going and he didn’t know but was certain they would be gone for more then a couple hours. To which I replied yes but maybe they wont be going until sometime after I’m at work and then maybe Jess wont be alone for that long. But he wouldn’t hear it. So I just left. A little bit later he comes out saying, well if you want her to go then you let her go and leave me out of it. I said “No I was trying to compromise with you and have an adult conversation with you” So he then says “Have an adult conversation with yourself” And of course I said” Well I guess I have to”

He is in bed now because he has to get up at 4:30 am he says. I was still semi fuming. Because after all, its okay for our 14 year old daughter to be alone when her 16 year old sister stays after school and we are still working. And its ok for her be alone for a short time if her sister is gone and I’m working and he wants to go somewhere. But his answer was no this time and he couldn’t even have a rational calm conversation about it. It didn’t have to meant that I got my way over him. I just wanted to discuss it and see if it could be worked out or just give him the opportunity to respectfully give me his reasons. Anyhow, this is another reason, that we will be happier apart.

Update: He got up at about 1am and then came back to bed sometime between 4:30 am and 6 am and is still in bed.

A Good Night

Standing out in the crowd

Hello everyone, its me again. I just feel like writing. Its my oldest daughter’s 15th birthday. I can’t believe my baby girl is old enough to get her learners permit to drive. And my youngest daughter is 13, so she’ll be wanting to drive in a couple of years too. The time has gone by too fast. I hope I have paid enough attention. You might be able to have more than one child but you only get one chance with each of them.

Both of my girls give me the most joy in life. I forget sometimes what it was like before I had them. Even though I may have had a little more freedom, I think my life was kind of empty. I can’t imagine being without them in this world. And I cherish the time I get to spend with them, because I know I have little time left to enjoy them being around all the time.

Soon they will want to leave home, just as I did. And a part of me will really want to go with them.  I know I cant and I want them to be independent and self-reliant.

I know I will be happy and proud of all their accomplishments, however,I’m feeling just a little sad at the thought of not being needed as much, even though that has always been the plan.

But for now, they are here with me, asleep, safe at home and that is what a good night is.

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