It Still Hurts

Tennessee State Line

Tennessee State Line (Photo credit: J. Stephen Conn)

I am sitting here this morning crying again. My husband kissed me goodbye and just rode off on his motorcycle, headed to Tennessee. He has a driving job and the employer is located there and would prefer to hire someone in that area, so he’s moving. He was working for an AC company that was going to help him become certified in different areas but when he found this opportunity, he quit.

Since I last wrote, we have been separated. He had moved in with a friend of his although most of his things are still here. But we have still been talking, texting and he has spent some nights over here.

Last Sunday, we all went to Disney together before our kids go back to school.  And he has been staying here ever since. We only had a couple little spats that were really brief but then again, we haven’t been talking about anything really serious and avoiding any topics that might spark something. Our oldest daughter, also made us promise we would not argue at the park.

Looking back, I have cried a lot over this relationship.  It seems we have always been separating in some kind of way. I love him despite it all but I’m just so tired of the hurt we cause each other even without intending to. When we are together, I do feel tied down at times, unable to be free in what I say or do. He says he doesn’t care but his actions say otherwise.

At the moment, I do not feel like writing about our issues anymore that led us to this point. I’m still having a hard time believing that we may never be together again like we have for the last 20 years. And if it’s really for the best, then why does it hurt so bad?

Unconditional Love

English:

English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the last day of waking up with my husband.  No arguments. We were loving and held each other. I took him to his truck so that he could get back over the road working.  I was in tears and we hugged and kissed. He will ALWAYS be the love of my life. A lot of history, 2 kids, and unconditional love. So why couldn’t we make it work?

Too many arguments, too much hurt, too many problems to work out is what I’ll tell you but he would disagree. He thinks all of our problems could be worked out, if we just start over and work on our Trust and Communication. He thinks if I would only put my marriage first, quit my job, quit my band and concentrate on us, that we could heal and get stronger. But there are things, that I have always overlooked and put up with, simply because I wanted to be with him. Also, he wasn’t home all the time, so out of sight, out of mind. Plus, although, I never understood it as a kid, I now get why people try to stay together for the kids. I used to think how stupid it was to stay with someone, just because of the kids. I still do, however, what they neglect to say is what I feel, although we argued and had lots of unresolved disagreements, I wanted to try to compromise  because I still loved this man, I loved the father of my children and because I love my children, I often felt like I owed it to them to give their father all my unconditional love as well and work on our relationship.

However, now it is ending and I am finding it very difficult to even say it out loud. Its like a death even though I know I will see him again and I am so thankful that we have our daughters. Its similar to when I was pregnant with our 1st born and he decided he needed to move to Illinois to live with his dad and go to school. When he was packing up his moving truck, he wanted me to go. I was like 7 months pregnant. Hormonal and heartbroken. I couldn’t just pick up and go. That was an example right there of our differences. I wanted to be crazy and just go but I was logical and I couldn’t just take off like that, leaving a job that I had health insurance with and my family expecting their first grandchild. So I stayed behind….thinking that he would find someone else, because he was too far away and although the thought of him being with anyone else but me, was excruciating, I stayed strong with the thoughts of taking care of our baby and the fact that at least I would still be tied to him and that maybe one day we’d be together.

I didn’t have to wait long. He called me all the time and came back to visit before she was born and then shortly afterwards he came back too. We talked constantly during those times about how we felt and what are problems were then and at that time, I understood some things about him and I knew I still wanted to be with him. Our daughter was born in February and by May, we got married.

We basically eloped, even though his mom was there, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents. Even though, he asked my dad for his permission to marry me. I was scared because they weren’t really happy with him about things he had done. I didn’t want anyone to ruin my happiness. So we agreed that we would plan another wedding later including all of our families but that never happened. And both of my parents found out on their own that we were married. So I broke their hearts too.

I know things will take time to heal. But I am scared of so many things. I miss him. There was a lot I loved about being married. But there was so much stress that he doesn’t understand. He kept telling me to let him worry about the bills. But I couldn’t do that. It stressed me out when we were behind almost all the time. No savings and living week to week sometimes day to day.

I don’t want to relive everything right now. I’m just trying to cope with it all. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and I’ll get through. I know I will, there’s no doubt because I have to for our kids. And I want to work on me. There is something wrong with me, whether anyone believes me or not. I need to get motivated and gain some ambition because, either I never had it, or I lost it a very long time ago. When I dream about doing great things, its awesome. But I’m not sure of the steps I need to take, or I doubt myself, or I get too lazy to do the work. Why is that? So that is another reason that I think I need to be on my own. It was too easy to lean on him and too easy to blame him for me not doing something, even if it was somewhat true. I only hope I have enough time to start over, heal myself and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know how he or anyone could truly want me any other way.

 

The End or a New Beginning?

Let's Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello

Let’s Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So if you’ve followed along or know me or anything about the fact that I’ve been having problems with my marriage, you know only a little bit about how we argue too much about everything.  Married for 16 years and been together for a total of 20. I have said and will continue to say how much I love him and always will. And today, he showed me once more why I really love him.

First let me briefly update what happened last Thursday. When I got home from work, my husband wanted us to go to Chili’s. He said, just him and I could get 2 for 1 drinks and a couple appetizers. He was surprised that I agreed to go. When we got there, after ordering, he told me he planned to start moving in with his friend the next day. He explained that he would stay at our house over the weekend and be leaving to go over the road but that when he came home, he would start living in a room at his buddies house. He said he cannot stay with me and continue to wonder who I’m talking to or writing and worry about me in the band or at work.  And since I am not willing to quit my job and take a break from the band for awhile, he cannot stick around. He also knew that I was planning to talk to a lawyer and was hurt that I was just biding my time. It was hard to hear all of this but the more he talked, the more we fell back into our old routine of arguing. And I could tell that he was just trying to get me to fight for our marriage and tell him not to go. We went round and round. He would get angry and yell and I would too and then we’d calm down. When we left, he went to another local bar, where we were pleasant and had 2 drinks each and went home. He cooked dinner and joked with me.

Friday morning, he said he was going to start moving his dresser out, etc…talked about the bills…etc…I teared up again, just as I had the night before and he got frustrated because he was still hoping I would beg him to stay and tell him I would compromise.  And he had to keep bringing it up which started us arguing again about the same stuff and him threatening to hate me because I was forcing him to leave his kids. Even though I told him he could see them whenever he wanted. I know he was hurt but he expresses it with anger, so he slammed doors, called me horrible names and stomped around.

Our girls were at school and our youngest was going to a friends house for the weekend after school so she didn’t come home but our oldest daughter walked in on the end of it, which I had to apologize to her for again. I did not plan for them to be around when we separate. Anyhow, I had to go sing in my band that night, so I asked her if she wanted to go. She did and before I left, I noticed my phone missing. I called it and it went right to voice mail so I knew my husband had taken it.

When we got home that night, he showed up shortly afterwards. We watched a movie and went to bed. He was then loving to me and the next day he had to go somewhere and he took our daughter with him. They were out very late but today, he got up and moved some more stuff, went out and came back. I made dinner and both of our girls were not home when it was ready, so just me and him ate in the living room with the TV off. He then started talking calmly. And it was exactly how I wanted him to be but so sad and so hard to hear.

He told me some of the same stuff but said, he is still going to move in with his friend but he can’t leave here with us fighting and us not ok.  He said he’s sorry for things he’s done and wishes he could change those things but he can’t. Just like I can’t change what I did that hurt him. He said he agrees that we need a break and that our kids need a break from us fighting. He said maybe we are holding each other back because we both worry about doing things because of the other one and that is also because of our failure to communicate. He just wants me to understand how much he truly loves me and our kids and that maybe if we separate and heal, then maybe in the future we can try again. Because he is willing to do everything I need but I have to want to. But if I decide I do, then it will be up to him at that time. And if not, then we can still be friends. He wanted me to know, that he’s not going to go be with anyone else, all he wants to do right now, is concentrate on getting back to work. He told me awhile ago, he came across some good paying runs that will make him and who ever he drives for a lot of money. So he’s going to concentrate on making money and building his own small trucking business again. He hopes I do well with the band and maybe he’ll be able to come see me some time and he hopes I go do whatever it is I want to do.  And for the next few days until he has to fly out to get in a truck, he just wants us to not argue and  to just enjoy being together.

I know I’m going to see him again and I know everything will be okay. It just hurts because I wish he could be that man all the time and live here with that attitude. But I’m glad he is saying that maybe us separating will be a good thing for both of us whether we get back together or not.

Anyhow he is out talking with a friend right now and I’m going to be a mess for awhile, even though this has to happen.

 

What Comes First? Trust or Communication?

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Another argument this morning before work. Started when my husband was about to leave and made a snide comment about saying goodbye to me. He thought he was being funny, but it had to do with what happened Sunday when I told him I felt like getting outside because it was so nice. He was brushing his teeth, so I knew he was getting ready to do something but he hadnt told me anything. He said he was thinking about riding his bike. But then asked like what? I said maybe go to the boardwalk and take the girls. He said the boardwalk? With a tone that sounded like he was not interested. And I just said yeah well it was outside anyhow. I was hoping he would offer some other idea. But he said nothing and I didnt want to start any arguments. But then he just got dressed and left without even saying good bye.

Today, he claimed he “forgot” to say goodbye. I don’t know how that was possible when he paused right before he walked out the door near where I was sitting and looked at our daughter before he left. Anyhow, he thought I was just mad because he didn’t say goodbye. Does anyone else understand why else I might have been mad? Is it just me?

During the argument  he slammed the door and cursed and yelled, at which point I told him he wins because he louder and scarier. Then he left and I went to work. Our youngest daughter knew we argued because she overslept and I had to take her to school, but she stayed outside during it and when she got done, she walked with her cousin to her house and they text me. I went home and he got home shortly after, and then asked me what was for dinner in a nonchalant manner. I said probably hot dogs cuz I had forgotten to thaw out anything and I had to go pick up Jess. He just smiled and then took my hand and lead me to our room. Lay me down and started talking about how he had been waiting for 6 months for me to tell him I still want him and want to be with him but that I haven’t said that. I told him how the arguments to not make me want to say that. He said we can work on that but we need to rebuild trust first before we can have good communication. And I said its hard to rebuild trust without good communication. He did kind of agree but still thinks that we have to work on the trust issue first. And because of our past problems, he still thinks I need to work on helping him trust me by leaving my job and temporarily taking a break from the band.

He said he will help me get with a better band because he thinks I’m wasting my talent. This is not new. He has always said this. But I always feel that the guys he tries to get to play for me, are already doing their own thing and are not really wanting to be a part of something else. But he says I’m wrong and that I’m too hard on myself. He says he wants me to be happy and pursue music but he just cant stand to see me settling when he knows I’m better then that. And not in the way that I’m gonna be famous or anything but just doing more of the music I really love.

He also says I do not talk to him and tell him anything. He may be right on this stuff. I tell him its because I do not want to argue and also because sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. He says he is just so frustrated because I don’t tell him what I’m thinking and he just wants me to stop shutting down and suggest stuff for us to do but that if I don’t have any ideas, tell him I don’t and ask him to help me. He wants us to do stuff together but be able to do things separately if we want to but when we want to do stuff together, to compromise. Its so tiring.  We agree we do not want to actually physically be with anyone else but we cant stay together like we are now. He thinks we need to work on helping him build up trust again and that all the problems that I have with him are now all stemming from what I did wrong.

So if I quit my job and take a short break from the band, that will help him see that I’m trying and he wont have to worry about what I’m doing when he’s on the road. And if I cant do that and I don’t want to work things out, then in a few weeks when he starts making money again, he will move out.

Frustrations

So my husband came home early Friday morning after being over the road for the last couple weeks. He was supposed to have been home a few days earlier but the truck kept breaking down and put him behind on his appointments. And the owner has not yet paid him for all the trips he ran, saying because they had to fix the truck, they couldnt afford to pay him yet. They were also not happy about fixing the truck, kept trying to push it further, saying they would fix it when he got back with it. But while he was parked on an incline at a rest area, he said something about the truck rolling back and not having brakes for 1 of the tires and that luckily he stopped it at the curb because if it had jumped the curb, the trailor would have gone into the woods down the side of a mountain and him with it. So now he’s going to go back to work for someone else he used to drive for. Supposed to be flying out on Tuesday

While he’s been on the road, we have had a few arguments and some emotional exchanges. Some of his frustrations have been because he says alot of my attitude tells him that I’m done and yet he keeps seeing signs of hope. But the fact that I do not come right out and say I want to stay or I want to go is making him crazy. He’s right. And even though I am going to a lawyer for advice, I am still feeling confused. I do care about him, I do love him. I dont know that I’m “in” love with him. And it hurts to admit that even if only to myself. I know I’m supposed to do what’s right for me and for my kids but I keep second guessing what that is. He thinks that all of the issues we have can be worked on and we can succeed if we communicate and focus on us as a couple and trusting eachother. I dont know. Of course for his sake and for our kids, I would LOVE to make it work. Even a little for my sake, because I like having him here with us at night. But then I just want him to go away because I feel more stressed with him around.

Anyhow, let me get back to Friday. I met him at a parking lot at 2am, where he handed me all of his stuff from the truck and I put it in the car. Then I followed him to the owner’s home where he dropped off the truck and keys. We got back home and back to sleep about 4:30 am. There was some intimacy and then he left the room for awhile not able to sleep. When he did come back to sleep, it was for only a few hours because he planned to bring a couple of cases of bagels he had obtained from one of his pickups to some friends and then his friend was meeting him at our house to inspect and pack up equipment for their paranormal investigations that they had set up for the weekend.

I decided to go work out and stay out of the way while they went over whatever it was they did. Before I left, my husband asked me for my credit card for Pizza. I gave him cash instead, he wanted $30. On my way back I picked up some bottled water for them and when I got home, he had not ordered Pizza. But again wanted my card to get the extra money out of my account that his mother mistakenly put in there. I gaven him $45 in cash instead as I reminded him about the $30 he already still had.

To catch you up to date, last weekend he told me to pay the cell phone bill and he would pay this other bill when his paycheck cleared. I had to wait til Saturday for the check to clear, but when it did, I paid the cellphone. Shortly after that while me and our kids were out at our resort, he text me asking if the account number he had was my bank account. I said yes and then he says something about paying the cellphone bill. I said I already paid it. Then he gets mad because I did not immediatedly tell him I paid it. So he had paid the amount that was due for next month which ended up overdrafting my account and now this was my problem. Luckily, we recieve a $500 check that week from a settlement due to a class action foreclosure fraud against several mortgage companies that wrongfully tried to foreclose on many homeowners including us. So I told him I had the money to cover it. He never asked how, I guess he thought I was hoarding money again with my $4 an hour job at 20 plus hours making $100 -$200 a week. But when I put the check in, it took time to clear. So my guess is he knew the money was there and was looking to utilize it since he didnt get paid again last week.

However, he has been gone all weekend for the 2 nights of ghost hunting in which he had to pay at least one of the places to investigate. Sometme early this morning, he came home and woke me up telling me he was going to take our youngest daughter with him on his motorcycle to go riding with his step dad. They were gone til about 4:30pm and he immediately took a shower and went to bed.

My thoughts now are that he does not seem like he was all that eager to spend time alone with me. Granted his truck breaking down put him behind and he had this weekend planned months ago. And I was invited for Saturday but I had not planned on it because of everything going on with us as well as the fact, that going ghost hunting with him is NOT fun anymore. All of sudden in the last few years, he acts like he is an expert and as usual, most of the time my opinions are wrong if they differ from his and I often feel treated like a disobediant child if I express them. But besides all that, when he got home today, he was not eager to spend any time with me. And I know if I were to tell him this, he would tell me that I should have spoke up and told him that I wanted to spend time with him. Problem is that I’m not all that eager to spend time with him anymore. He says it doesnt matter to him what we do. That if we just have a date at Burger King alone, then at least we are spending time together. Yet he also says how he doesnt share my love of the beach, so if he goes with me there, then I have to get over the fact that he’s going to want to go somewhere where he can have a few drinks there too.

The more I write about everything that bothers me, the more bothered I am. And hurt. But my feelings are all jumbled up with sorrow for myself, for him, our family. Its got to stop.

 

 

In Love?

English: Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted E...

English: Love Book – The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Relationship Success (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(SOME PARTS OF THIS BLOG CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT. I HAVE TRIED NOT TO GIVE OUT TOO MUCH INFORMATION BUT IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU OR UNCOMFORTABLE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE)

My husband is supposed to be going back over the road. And I am feeling sad. I will miss having him next to me. He has been nicer lately but I know we still need to separate. The only reason we are not arguing is because we are not really talking. And he keeps looking at me with love. I can see it and feel it. I know he really loves me. I really love him too. People tell me it’s just because we have kids and all these years but I’m not “in love” with him. I used to think I knew what that meant.

Now it’s all so confusing. Especially, the physical relationship. There has never really been a problem there. Yes, sometimes it got predictable and humdrum and after my second child, I did suffer from extreme fatigue causing me to fall fast asleep before I could even attempt to initiate anything. But the intent was always there. And in the last several years, he has admitted to doing some research which has been paying off for me dramatically. I recently came across a daily email he gets on pleasing a woman when he needed me to go into his mail and send out his resume. After 20 years, one notices when something is different and maybe wasn’t his own doing which has caused me at times to wonder where he learned something from. But I also had to trust that maybe, like me, he had just decided to try something he had fantasized about. Anyhow, the last email I saw about a particular style, happened this morning and it was amazing.

Its funny because after he talked about moving out, we were not talking much and as one would imagine, no intimacy and then it changed and its like he’s pulling out all the stops again to hold on to me with sex. Granted, I’ll miss all of that if it has to stop but since sex has nothing to do with why I’ve been unhappy in the first place, its not what is gonna fix our problem. I wouldn’t be opposed to trying it non stop if I knew it could either.

Thing is I’m so conflicted about giving into it. If I don’t, he’ll know something is wrong. He’ll think its someone else and I wont want to tell him what the real issue is yet so he wont believe me if I tell him there’s no one else. I also don’t want to reject him out of selfish lust and out of enjoying the closeness with him, not knowing when the last time will be. But then it makes me feel like I am betraying him again by letting him think we are going to work this out, when as much as I’d like to, I still see signs everyday that tell me we still need to separate.

If only we could just not live together and still only be with eachother, I could almost see that as a possibility for me. But I know, he wouldn’t be okay with it and I might even start worrying about what he’s doing as well. I hate this so much, I just want to get on with my life and be able to make my own decisions without feeling like I’m going against someone else’s wishes.