It Still Hurts

Tennessee State Line

Tennessee State Line (Photo credit: J. Stephen Conn)

I am sitting here this morning crying again. My husband kissed me goodbye and just rode off on his motorcycle, headed to Tennessee. He has a driving job and the employer is located there and would prefer to hire someone in that area, so he’s moving. He was working for an AC company that was going to help him become certified in different areas but when he found this opportunity, he quit.

Since I last wrote, we have been separated. He had moved in with a friend of his although most of his things are still here. But we have still been talking, texting and he has spent some nights over here.

Last Sunday, we all went to Disney together before our kids go back to school.  And he has been staying here ever since. We only had a couple little spats that were really brief but then again, we haven’t been talking about anything really serious and avoiding any topics that might spark something. Our oldest daughter, also made us promise we would not argue at the park.

Looking back, I have cried a lot over this relationship.  It seems we have always been separating in some kind of way. I love him despite it all but I’m just so tired of the hurt we cause each other even without intending to. When we are together, I do feel tied down at times, unable to be free in what I say or do. He says he doesn’t care but his actions say otherwise.

At the moment, I do not feel like writing about our issues anymore that led us to this point. I’m still having a hard time believing that we may never be together again like we have for the last 20 years. And if it’s really for the best, then why does it hurt so bad?

Separated and Its Complicated

So he’s back in town already. If you are new here, you’ll have to read previous posts under the Me category.

It was my 2nd day back to work this week and 2nd day without him and he text asking if I was at work. I had just got done and was going to work out. I let him know and after I’m at the gym, he says he’s at his friends and to pick him up when I’m done so that he can get his bike and a few things. Then he comments, had he know. I was going to the gym, he could have gone there first to stare at the bootay.

So then I don’t stay long at the gym because if I have to get him, I need to make sure I’m home on time to take our oldest to get college stuff. I leave and pick him up. He jokes with me about me getting in shape now that he’s gone, even though I started before he left. Our daughter is home so he talks with her and then tells me he is having someone come over the next morning to trim the trees over the house and he’s going to start fixing up the back yard for us.

Now he’s motivated to do this? My guess is that will give him excuse to b around a lot. Which is fine I guess. He’s going to make me crazy either way, at least some stuff will get done.

But tonight was first he stayed at his new place and its really hard knowing he’s in town but not at home with us anymore. When he’s over the road away, it’s because of his job and although I worry about is safety, it’s kind of bearable but now it’s just painful. He told me I could text him later. He text first and it was small talk but I know it has to be hard. I know how hard it was for me when I moved out before we were married and we split up. I was sick to my stomach and heartbroken. And granted we didn’t have kids then but that was just as bad if not worse because I had no ties to him at all then and I knew I wanted to be with only him so bad.

I dont know what’s going to happen. I still think we need to give us all a break but I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else or wanting to be with anyone else. Even though he’s hurt me, I can’t stand hurting him.

Both of our girls have reacted differently the. I thought. Our oldest was more somber when saying goodbye and seemed a little sadder and although our youngest hugged and kissed him Alot, she hid any sadness and was her usual crazy self after we left him at his place.

Also, when I tell people what he said about people who separate, don’t usually get back together, I was surprised that most of these people who had been supporting my separation, said that’s not true. Sometimes a separation is just what is needed.

Anyhow, he unfriended and blocked me from his Facebook awhile ago and I had to log out to view his page. Just being nosey and I seen that he didn’t waste any time changing status to single. I hadn’t changed mine since I’m technically still married but I still had a hard time putting separated down. Should I point that out to him? It kind of bothers me. Don’t want to spark an argument and don’t want to give false hope when I don’t even know what the future will be but I still want him to know how I feel.

What Comes First? Trust or Communication?

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Another argument this morning before work. Started when my husband was about to leave and made a snide comment about saying goodbye to me. He thought he was being funny, but it had to do with what happened Sunday when I told him I felt like getting outside because it was so nice. He was brushing his teeth, so I knew he was getting ready to do something but he hadnt told me anything. He said he was thinking about riding his bike. But then asked like what? I said maybe go to the boardwalk and take the girls. He said the boardwalk? With a tone that sounded like he was not interested. And I just said yeah well it was outside anyhow. I was hoping he would offer some other idea. But he said nothing and I didnt want to start any arguments. But then he just got dressed and left without even saying good bye.

Today, he claimed he “forgot” to say goodbye. I don’t know how that was possible when he paused right before he walked out the door near where I was sitting and looked at our daughter before he left. Anyhow, he thought I was just mad because he didn’t say goodbye. Does anyone else understand why else I might have been mad? Is it just me?

During the argument  he slammed the door and cursed and yelled, at which point I told him he wins because he louder and scarier. Then he left and I went to work. Our youngest daughter knew we argued because she overslept and I had to take her to school, but she stayed outside during it and when she got done, she walked with her cousin to her house and they text me. I went home and he got home shortly after, and then asked me what was for dinner in a nonchalant manner. I said probably hot dogs cuz I had forgotten to thaw out anything and I had to go pick up Jess. He just smiled and then took my hand and lead me to our room. Lay me down and started talking about how he had been waiting for 6 months for me to tell him I still want him and want to be with him but that I haven’t said that. I told him how the arguments to not make me want to say that. He said we can work on that but we need to rebuild trust first before we can have good communication. And I said its hard to rebuild trust without good communication. He did kind of agree but still thinks that we have to work on the trust issue first. And because of our past problems, he still thinks I need to work on helping him trust me by leaving my job and temporarily taking a break from the band.

He said he will help me get with a better band because he thinks I’m wasting my talent. This is not new. He has always said this. But I always feel that the guys he tries to get to play for me, are already doing their own thing and are not really wanting to be a part of something else. But he says I’m wrong and that I’m too hard on myself. He says he wants me to be happy and pursue music but he just cant stand to see me settling when he knows I’m better then that. And not in the way that I’m gonna be famous or anything but just doing more of the music I really love.

He also says I do not talk to him and tell him anything. He may be right on this stuff. I tell him its because I do not want to argue and also because sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. He says he is just so frustrated because I don’t tell him what I’m thinking and he just wants me to stop shutting down and suggest stuff for us to do but that if I don’t have any ideas, tell him I don’t and ask him to help me. He wants us to do stuff together but be able to do things separately if we want to but when we want to do stuff together, to compromise. Its so tiring.  We agree we do not want to actually physically be with anyone else but we cant stay together like we are now. He thinks we need to work on helping him build up trust again and that all the problems that I have with him are now all stemming from what I did wrong.

So if I quit my job and take a short break from the band, that will help him see that I’m trying and he wont have to worry about what I’m doing when he’s on the road. And if I cant do that and I don’t want to work things out, then in a few weeks when he starts making money again, he will move out.