It Still Hurts

Tennessee State Line

Tennessee State Line (Photo credit: J. Stephen Conn)

I am sitting here this morning crying again. My husband kissed me goodbye and just rode off on his motorcycle, headed to Tennessee. He has a driving job and the employer is located there and would prefer to hire someone in that area, so he’s moving. He was working for an AC company that was going to help him become certified in different areas but when he found this opportunity, he quit.

Since I last wrote, we have been separated. He had moved in with a friend of his although most of his things are still here. But we have still been talking, texting and he has spent some nights over here.

Last Sunday, we all went to Disney together before our kids go back to school.  And he has been staying here ever since. We only had a couple little spats that were really brief but then again, we haven’t been talking about anything really serious and avoiding any topics that might spark something. Our oldest daughter, also made us promise we would not argue at the park.

Looking back, I have cried a lot over this relationship.  It seems we have always been separating in some kind of way. I love him despite it all but I’m just so tired of the hurt we cause each other even without intending to. When we are together, I do feel tied down at times, unable to be free in what I say or do. He says he doesn’t care but his actions say otherwise.

At the moment, I do not feel like writing about our issues anymore that led us to this point. I’m still having a hard time believing that we may never be together again like we have for the last 20 years. And if it’s really for the best, then why does it hurt so bad?


So last week I told my husband what it is that I want. I told him that right now I just want freedom. Not to see others but to make my own choices and do things without worrying about getting the 3rd degree or be accused of cheating.

I had also mentioned to him how I wished we could somehow start over. He wanted to know more about that and whether or not that involoves him moving back in. I told him I knew it’s not really possible to completely start over being that we have a 20 year history.

So I told him that if I were to start over with anyone including him and ideally him, I would need certain things to happen. I didnt think I was being too demanding in asking for someone who could get along with my family and friends, or someone that could negotiate a financial budget with me that we stick to. Also said I would like someone who is willing to pitch in around the house and it was only half a page that listed what I was looking for in someone to live with. But he regarded it as a one sided contract. He thought I should be stating what it is that he gets out of the deal and what I was willing to do for him.  I told him that I couldnt speak for him on his needs and that I would of course be willing to consider what those needs are. However, he kept referring to it as a one sided contract and saying how I expect him to do all these things while I continue to do what I want and he gets nothing and how its all or nothing. Then he said he would have to think about it.

He continued to text me daily randomly and then on Sunday, I get a facebook message telling me that he thought about it and he’s done because I was working that night and it was obvious that I was going to continue working on the weekend when he didn’t want me to and how he could see that I wasnt willing to try. Somehow he missed the fact that I ended things before and being that he was not helping me with the electric bill even though he was the one who spent the $150 that I put in the bank to pay it, I had to make up that money.

It hurt a bit to hear he was giving up. I was upset and called my mom. But I was already planning to call her Sunday night after work because we were making plans to meet and visit with my cousin from NY who was down visiting. Anyhow, the next day, I took the girls with me to visit with everyone and then when we got home, the electric had been shut off. I knew it was past due but I thought I had time still. Was planning to get money in the bank the next day. I felt so bad but the girls were really good about it. I paid the past due amount with my pay pal card to buy time til I got the money in the bank and used my cellphone to pay it. But we still had to sleep without AC til the next morning. I posted on facebook how the power was out and I was so thankful to have my girls who were amazing about everything. Then he text me asking why the power was out. I told him, it was behind but that I didnt get a shut off notice. He was telling me to get my dad but it was late and I didnt want him messing with it, its dangerous to do yourself, even though my dad IS an electrician. But by morning before I went to work, the power was back on and he text me asking about it.

Later that day, I talked with my dad and found out that another cousin of mine is not doing well at all. He got sick about a year ago. They found a tumor and was going to remove his bladder and rebuild him one. He had been in and out of the hospital and doing chemo etc…Then this weekend they found out it spread to the liver and kidney. The doctores said its terminal. He can seek more chemo treatment or just go with Hospice to help keep him comfortable. He’s only a few years older than me.  Never been married or had kids but he just started seeing this girl a little over a year ago and they are living together. Cancer is a horrible thing for anyone to have and I’ve already had a few people die from it. But I started thinking about what I would do. I just wanted to cry. Made all my problems pale in comparison.

I told my husband what was going on, he had liked my cousin and felt bad about it. On Thursday, another cousin and I were going to try to go visit him but I found out that day from his mom that they had discharged him,. So I contacted him to find out how he was feeling and if he might want company. When I talked to him, he was in good spirits however he had to adjust to the pain medication and wasnt ready for company. He told me his girlfriend was not taking it well and he had to convince her to go to work. And then he said he planned to work a few days a week too. He said they were planning a few more tests and he could go another 20 years, ya never know and he could do chemo but that if its only go to prolong the inevitable, he doesnt want to spend the rest of his days throwing up. But he planned on getting together with his band one last time. They were going to reunite, just for him and do a SAVE FERRIS aka RUS party. I tried to laugh with him and just listen and tell him to do whatever it is, he needs to do. But plan to try to see him Monday instead and told him we love him.

So that night, I had to pick up my husband because he had to park his truck and trailor in the yard further away. I didnt know if I would be taking him back with us or taking him to his friends and I didnt want to ask either. I took the kids with me and then just drove home with him, being that his motorcycle and van were there. We got home, he showered and we went to bed. I didnt know what to do. But then he playfully smacked my arm and the foreplay bagan. I’m so addicted to him. And being that we dont have a problem in that area, when he rolled back over, he kind of laughed and said “We’re supposed to hate eatchother” I said I could never do that.

This morning we made love once more and then he got up, showered, dressed and asked about his tv stand, saying he guessed he’d be moving more stuff out. And said he was gonig to the concert he booked. I said have fun but I was tearing up a little . He asked what’s wrong and I said, its just hard. He said well this is what you wanted isnt it? I said nothing and he said because you just dont want to do anything different.

Unconditional Love


English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So today was the last day of waking up with my husband.  No arguments. We were loving and held each other. I took him to his truck so that he could get back over the road working.  I was in tears and we hugged and kissed. He will ALWAYS be the love of my life. A lot of history, 2 kids, and unconditional love. So why couldn’t we make it work?

Too many arguments, too much hurt, too many problems to work out is what I’ll tell you but he would disagree. He thinks all of our problems could be worked out, if we just start over and work on our Trust and Communication. He thinks if I would only put my marriage first, quit my job, quit my band and concentrate on us, that we could heal and get stronger. But there are things, that I have always overlooked and put up with, simply because I wanted to be with him. Also, he wasn’t home all the time, so out of sight, out of mind. Plus, although, I never understood it as a kid, I now get why people try to stay together for the kids. I used to think how stupid it was to stay with someone, just because of the kids. I still do, however, what they neglect to say is what I feel, although we argued and had lots of unresolved disagreements, I wanted to try to compromise  because I still loved this man, I loved the father of my children and because I love my children, I often felt like I owed it to them to give their father all my unconditional love as well and work on our relationship.

However, now it is ending and I am finding it very difficult to even say it out loud. Its like a death even though I know I will see him again and I am so thankful that we have our daughters. Its similar to when I was pregnant with our 1st born and he decided he needed to move to Illinois to live with his dad and go to school. When he was packing up his moving truck, he wanted me to go. I was like 7 months pregnant. Hormonal and heartbroken. I couldn’t just pick up and go. That was an example right there of our differences. I wanted to be crazy and just go but I was logical and I couldn’t just take off like that, leaving a job that I had health insurance with and my family expecting their first grandchild. So I stayed behind….thinking that he would find someone else, because he was too far away and although the thought of him being with anyone else but me, was excruciating, I stayed strong with the thoughts of taking care of our baby and the fact that at least I would still be tied to him and that maybe one day we’d be together.

I didn’t have to wait long. He called me all the time and came back to visit before she was born and then shortly afterwards he came back too. We talked constantly during those times about how we felt and what are problems were then and at that time, I understood some things about him and I knew I still wanted to be with him. Our daughter was born in February and by May, we got married.

We basically eloped, even though his mom was there, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents. Even though, he asked my dad for his permission to marry me. I was scared because they weren’t really happy with him about things he had done. I didn’t want anyone to ruin my happiness. So we agreed that we would plan another wedding later including all of our families but that never happened. And both of my parents found out on their own that we were married. So I broke their hearts too.

I know things will take time to heal. But I am scared of so many things. I miss him. There was a lot I loved about being married. But there was so much stress that he doesn’t understand. He kept telling me to let him worry about the bills. But I couldn’t do that. It stressed me out when we were behind almost all the time. No savings and living week to week sometimes day to day.

I don’t want to relive everything right now. I’m just trying to cope with it all. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and I’ll get through. I know I will, there’s no doubt because I have to for our kids. And I want to work on me. There is something wrong with me, whether anyone believes me or not. I need to get motivated and gain some ambition because, either I never had it, or I lost it a very long time ago. When I dream about doing great things, its awesome. But I’m not sure of the steps I need to take, or I doubt myself, or I get too lazy to do the work. Why is that? So that is another reason that I think I need to be on my own. It was too easy to lean on him and too easy to blame him for me not doing something, even if it was somewhat true. I only hope I have enough time to start over, heal myself and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t know how he or anyone could truly want me any other way.


The End or a New Beginning?

Let's Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello

Let’s Say Goodbye Like We Said Hello (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So if you’ve followed along or know me or anything about the fact that I’ve been having problems with my marriage, you know only a little bit about how we argue too much about everything.  Married for 16 years and been together for a total of 20. I have said and will continue to say how much I love him and always will. And today, he showed me once more why I really love him.

First let me briefly update what happened last Thursday. When I got home from work, my husband wanted us to go to Chili’s. He said, just him and I could get 2 for 1 drinks and a couple appetizers. He was surprised that I agreed to go. When we got there, after ordering, he told me he planned to start moving in with his friend the next day. He explained that he would stay at our house over the weekend and be leaving to go over the road but that when he came home, he would start living in a room at his buddies house. He said he cannot stay with me and continue to wonder who I’m talking to or writing and worry about me in the band or at work.  And since I am not willing to quit my job and take a break from the band for awhile, he cannot stick around. He also knew that I was planning to talk to a lawyer and was hurt that I was just biding my time. It was hard to hear all of this but the more he talked, the more we fell back into our old routine of arguing. And I could tell that he was just trying to get me to fight for our marriage and tell him not to go. We went round and round. He would get angry and yell and I would too and then we’d calm down. When we left, he went to another local bar, where we were pleasant and had 2 drinks each and went home. He cooked dinner and joked with me.

Friday morning, he said he was going to start moving his dresser out, etc…talked about the bills…etc…I teared up again, just as I had the night before and he got frustrated because he was still hoping I would beg him to stay and tell him I would compromise.  And he had to keep bringing it up which started us arguing again about the same stuff and him threatening to hate me because I was forcing him to leave his kids. Even though I told him he could see them whenever he wanted. I know he was hurt but he expresses it with anger, so he slammed doors, called me horrible names and stomped around.

Our girls were at school and our youngest was going to a friends house for the weekend after school so she didn’t come home but our oldest daughter walked in on the end of it, which I had to apologize to her for again. I did not plan for them to be around when we separate. Anyhow, I had to go sing in my band that night, so I asked her if she wanted to go. She did and before I left, I noticed my phone missing. I called it and it went right to voice mail so I knew my husband had taken it.

When we got home that night, he showed up shortly afterwards. We watched a movie and went to bed. He was then loving to me and the next day he had to go somewhere and he took our daughter with him. They were out very late but today, he got up and moved some more stuff, went out and came back. I made dinner and both of our girls were not home when it was ready, so just me and him ate in the living room with the TV off. He then started talking calmly. And it was exactly how I wanted him to be but so sad and so hard to hear.

He told me some of the same stuff but said, he is still going to move in with his friend but he can’t leave here with us fighting and us not ok.  He said he’s sorry for things he’s done and wishes he could change those things but he can’t. Just like I can’t change what I did that hurt him. He said he agrees that we need a break and that our kids need a break from us fighting. He said maybe we are holding each other back because we both worry about doing things because of the other one and that is also because of our failure to communicate. He just wants me to understand how much he truly loves me and our kids and that maybe if we separate and heal, then maybe in the future we can try again. Because he is willing to do everything I need but I have to want to. But if I decide I do, then it will be up to him at that time. And if not, then we can still be friends. He wanted me to know, that he’s not going to go be with anyone else, all he wants to do right now, is concentrate on getting back to work. He told me awhile ago, he came across some good paying runs that will make him and who ever he drives for a lot of money. So he’s going to concentrate on making money and building his own small trucking business again. He hopes I do well with the band and maybe he’ll be able to come see me some time and he hopes I go do whatever it is I want to do.  And for the next few days until he has to fly out to get in a truck, he just wants us to not argue and  to just enjoy being together.

I know I’m going to see him again and I know everything will be okay. It just hurts because I wish he could be that man all the time and live here with that attitude. But I’m glad he is saying that maybe us separating will be a good thing for both of us whether we get back together or not.

Anyhow he is out talking with a friend right now and I’m going to be a mess for awhile, even though this has to happen.



So my husband came home early Friday morning after being over the road for the last couple weeks. He was supposed to have been home a few days earlier but the truck kept breaking down and put him behind on his appointments. And the owner has not yet paid him for all the trips he ran, saying because they had to fix the truck, they couldnt afford to pay him yet. They were also not happy about fixing the truck, kept trying to push it further, saying they would fix it when he got back with it. But while he was parked on an incline at a rest area, he said something about the truck rolling back and not having brakes for 1 of the tires and that luckily he stopped it at the curb because if it had jumped the curb, the trailor would have gone into the woods down the side of a mountain and him with it. So now he’s going to go back to work for someone else he used to drive for. Supposed to be flying out on Tuesday

While he’s been on the road, we have had a few arguments and some emotional exchanges. Some of his frustrations have been because he says alot of my attitude tells him that I’m done and yet he keeps seeing signs of hope. But the fact that I do not come right out and say I want to stay or I want to go is making him crazy. He’s right. And even though I am going to a lawyer for advice, I am still feeling confused. I do care about him, I do love him. I dont know that I’m “in” love with him. And it hurts to admit that even if only to myself. I know I’m supposed to do what’s right for me and for my kids but I keep second guessing what that is. He thinks that all of the issues we have can be worked on and we can succeed if we communicate and focus on us as a couple and trusting eachother. I dont know. Of course for his sake and for our kids, I would LOVE to make it work. Even a little for my sake, because I like having him here with us at night. But then I just want him to go away because I feel more stressed with him around.

Anyhow, let me get back to Friday. I met him at a parking lot at 2am, where he handed me all of his stuff from the truck and I put it in the car. Then I followed him to the owner’s home where he dropped off the truck and keys. We got back home and back to sleep about 4:30 am. There was some intimacy and then he left the room for awhile not able to sleep. When he did come back to sleep, it was for only a few hours because he planned to bring a couple of cases of bagels he had obtained from one of his pickups to some friends and then his friend was meeting him at our house to inspect and pack up equipment for their paranormal investigations that they had set up for the weekend.

I decided to go work out and stay out of the way while they went over whatever it was they did. Before I left, my husband asked me for my credit card for Pizza. I gave him cash instead, he wanted $30. On my way back I picked up some bottled water for them and when I got home, he had not ordered Pizza. But again wanted my card to get the extra money out of my account that his mother mistakenly put in there. I gaven him $45 in cash instead as I reminded him about the $30 he already still had.

To catch you up to date, last weekend he told me to pay the cell phone bill and he would pay this other bill when his paycheck cleared. I had to wait til Saturday for the check to clear, but when it did, I paid the cellphone. Shortly after that while me and our kids were out at our resort, he text me asking if the account number he had was my bank account. I said yes and then he says something about paying the cellphone bill. I said I already paid it. Then he gets mad because I did not immediatedly tell him I paid it. So he had paid the amount that was due for next month which ended up overdrafting my account and now this was my problem. Luckily, we recieve a $500 check that week from a settlement due to a class action foreclosure fraud against several mortgage companies that wrongfully tried to foreclose on many homeowners including us. So I told him I had the money to cover it. He never asked how, I guess he thought I was hoarding money again with my $4 an hour job at 20 plus hours making $100 -$200 a week. But when I put the check in, it took time to clear. So my guess is he knew the money was there and was looking to utilize it since he didnt get paid again last week.

However, he has been gone all weekend for the 2 nights of ghost hunting in which he had to pay at least one of the places to investigate. Sometme early this morning, he came home and woke me up telling me he was going to take our youngest daughter with him on his motorcycle to go riding with his step dad. They were gone til about 4:30pm and he immediately took a shower and went to bed.

My thoughts now are that he does not seem like he was all that eager to spend time alone with me. Granted his truck breaking down put him behind and he had this weekend planned months ago. And I was invited for Saturday but I had not planned on it because of everything going on with us as well as the fact, that going ghost hunting with him is NOT fun anymore. All of sudden in the last few years, he acts like he is an expert and as usual, most of the time my opinions are wrong if they differ from his and I often feel treated like a disobediant child if I express them. But besides all that, when he got home today, he was not eager to spend any time with me. And I know if I were to tell him this, he would tell me that I should have spoke up and told him that I wanted to spend time with him. Problem is that I’m not all that eager to spend time with him anymore. He says it doesnt matter to him what we do. That if we just have a date at Burger King alone, then at least we are spending time together. Yet he also says how he doesnt share my love of the beach, so if he goes with me there, then I have to get over the fact that he’s going to want to go somewhere where he can have a few drinks there too.

The more I write about everything that bothers me, the more bothered I am. And hurt. But my feelings are all jumbled up with sorrow for myself, for him, our family. Its got to stop.



Moment by Moment

This whole decision to leave my husband has been an emotional rollercoaster. My feelings change from moment to moment. This morning after I got ready for work, I went in and kissed my husband goodbye as he was still sleeping. My thoughts were similar to when you see your children sleeping and think how sweet they are “when they are sleeping” ha ha. Still it made me think about all his good qualities and how I know he will be hurt by my decision. Even now, I am choking up about this.

So I worked and before I left, my manager called me over. She said she was told by the GM of my plans to seek counseling for a Divorce. She was very understanding. I also told another coworker who commented that he’s worthless and I’ll will feel so much better. Even though she doesn’t know my husband, she’s been through a divorce. But again it hurt to hear that about him and not want to defend him. Again, I am starting to tear up.

Then tonight, my daughter said she was invited to go Go karting with boyfriend and his family tomorrow. I asked how much it was, she didn’t know. I was doing something else and we didn’t finish the discussion. But after I took a shower, she had gone to ask her dad. I walked by and he asked if I was working tomorrow. I said yes and then he continued to tell her No because both of us were working and she needed to stay home with her sister.

So after my daughter left the room, I went to try to talk to him about it saying that I didn’t have to leave for work until 11:15 and maybe our other daughter would not have to be home alone for that long. But he immediately was dismissive with me saying something like we are both working and Jess shouldn’t be alone and that’s it. So I responded something like, I’m not one of your children and I was trying to talk to you like an adult but I guess you have made up your mind and you are over riding me like always and your decision is final. Something else was said and then he said something like I know you are not my kid and I’m not over riding you…..blah blah blah. Then said “Ok so tell what you are gonna say” But he said it with that tone of voice that meant it didn’t matter what I said, he had made up his mind. And that’s what I told him. I also said I do not know how we are supposed to communicate effectively if this is your attitude. I asked him what time would she be going and he didn’t know but was certain they would be gone for more then a couple hours. To which I replied yes but maybe they wont be going until sometime after I’m at work and then maybe Jess wont be alone for that long. But he wouldn’t hear it. So I just left. A little bit later he comes out saying, well if you want her to go then you let her go and leave me out of it. I said “No I was trying to compromise with you and have an adult conversation with you” So he then says “Have an adult conversation with yourself” And of course I said” Well I guess I have to”

He is in bed now because he has to get up at 4:30 am he says. I was still semi fuming. Because after all, its okay for our 14 year old daughter to be alone when her 16 year old sister stays after school and we are still working. And its ok for her be alone for a short time if her sister is gone and I’m working and he wants to go somewhere. But his answer was no this time and he couldn’t even have a rational calm conversation about it. It didn’t have to meant that I got my way over him. I just wanted to discuss it and see if it could be worked out or just give him the opportunity to respectfully give me his reasons. Anyhow, this is another reason, that we will be happier apart.

Update: He got up at about 1am and then came back to bed sometime between 4:30 am and 6 am and is still in bed.

Starting Over

I am finding myself very nostalgic and in a loving mood tonight. My husband has no idea that I am planning to leave unless by some miracle, we can work things out. In my heart I wish that could happen but in my head I know it won’t at least not if I keep doing things his way.

My brother is keeping me grounded by reinforcing all the reasons we need to separate. He was up visiting our dad and because of how my husband acted on our daughters 16 th birthday….he didn’t come to the house. I met him for lunch and filled him in on our most recent argument.

It started because my husband went into my Facebook again and seen a singles app. It was something I vaguely remember clicking on cuz probably said a friend or something sent me a message or a pic but in order to see it, you hAve to allow app access to your stuff and then you have to subscribe which I didn’t but I never got rid of it and hubby thought I was talking to all these guys and it was just an example page. I finally got him to realize it but he showed our daughter to be his witness even though he had already taken a picture. And we still argued and he smashed my laptop and started throwing out my clothes trying to get me to leave. I couldn’t leave like that without my girls. I was scared he would use it against me.

Now as far as his jealousy goes, he does have some reasons recently. And I will get to that later but let me say, I have never slept with anyone other then my husband since the 1st time we started seeing each other but my husband has always been worried that I would and out of love and trying to be understanding, I have always tried to make sure I didn’t give him any reasons to think he couldn’t trust me.

But now trust is really an issue and that is all my fault. Just when I thought I was really making some progress in that area after 20 years.

Anyhow, his cold rage and irate anger showed again. Even though he has never been a physical abuser, there were a few times he was physical. But it’s mostly the verbal abuse and controlling nature that he denies. Because of this, I knew I had to refuse to leave. I hoped he wouldn’t try to drag me out with our kids in the house but I really didn’t know I the moment. So I refused to go as I sat crying. And finally he stopped yelling and throwing my clothes. Then startted saying what he usually does about if I want to stay with him and asking me if I did because I love him and not because of the kids. Which sounds crazy but I do love and care about him. I just love our kids more and I need to take the hard road to prove it, I guess.

And now that is where I at. I am doing what I need to in order to keep things peaceful and loving as I research the group legal plan that I have and start cleaning out this house. Preparing for whatever the future holds. Ideally, I would stay here with our girls and he leaves but if he refuses to go then I have all of my family supporting me. I only hope that if that happens that my girls don’t hate me.