So last week I told my husband what it is that I want. I told him that right now I just want freedom. Not to see others but to make my own choices and do things without worrying about getting the 3rd degree or be accused of cheating.

I had also mentioned to him how I wished we could somehow start over. He wanted to know more about that and whether or not that involoves him moving back in. I told him I knew it’s not really possible to completely start over being that we have a 20 year history.

So I told him that if I were to start over with anyone including him and ideally him, I would need certain things to happen. I didnt think I was being too demanding in asking for someone who could get along with my family and friends, or someone that could negotiate a financial budget with me that we stick to. Also said I would like someone who is willing to pitch in around the house and it was only half a page that listed what I was looking for in someone to live with. But he regarded it as a one sided contract. He thought I should be stating what it is that he gets out of the deal and what I was willing to do for him.  I told him that I couldnt speak for him on his needs and that I would of course be willing to consider what those needs are. However, he kept referring to it as a one sided contract and saying how I expect him to do all these things while I continue to do what I want and he gets nothing and how its all or nothing. Then he said he would have to think about it.

He continued to text me daily randomly and then on Sunday, I get a facebook message telling me that he thought about it and he’s done because I was working that night and it was obvious that I was going to continue working on the weekend when he didn’t want me to and how he could see that I wasnt willing to try. Somehow he missed the fact that I ended things before and being that he was not helping me with the electric bill even though he was the one who spent the $150 that I put in the bank to pay it, I had to make up that money.

It hurt a bit to hear he was giving up. I was upset and called my mom. But I was already planning to call her Sunday night after work because we were making plans to meet and visit with my cousin from NY who was down visiting. Anyhow, the next day, I took the girls with me to visit with everyone and then when we got home, the electric had been shut off. I knew it was past due but I thought I had time still. Was planning to get money in the bank the next day. I felt so bad but the girls were really good about it. I paid the past due amount with my pay pal card to buy time til I got the money in the bank and used my cellphone to pay it. But we still had to sleep without AC til the next morning. I posted on facebook how the power was out and I was so thankful to have my girls who were amazing about everything. Then he text me asking why the power was out. I told him, it was behind but that I didnt get a shut off notice. He was telling me to get my dad but it was late and I didnt want him messing with it, its dangerous to do yourself, even though my dad IS an electrician. But by morning before I went to work, the power was back on and he text me asking about it.

Later that day, I talked with my dad and found out that another cousin of mine is not doing well at all. He got sick about a year ago. They found a tumor and was going to remove his bladder and rebuild him one. He had been in and out of the hospital and doing chemo etc…Then this weekend they found out it spread to the liver and kidney. The doctores said its terminal. He can seek more chemo treatment or just go with Hospice to help keep him comfortable. He’s only a few years older than me.  Never been married or had kids but he just started seeing this girl a little over a year ago and they are living together. Cancer is a horrible thing for anyone to have and I’ve already had a few people die from it. But I started thinking about what I would do. I just wanted to cry. Made all my problems pale in comparison.

I told my husband what was going on, he had liked my cousin and felt bad about it. On Thursday, another cousin and I were going to try to go visit him but I found out that day from his mom that they had discharged him,. So I contacted him to find out how he was feeling and if he might want company. When I talked to him, he was in good spirits however he had to adjust to the pain medication and wasnt ready for company. He told me his girlfriend was not taking it well and he had to convince her to go to work. And then he said he planned to work a few days a week too. He said they were planning a few more tests and he could go another 20 years, ya never know and he could do chemo but that if its only go to prolong the inevitable, he doesnt want to spend the rest of his days throwing up. But he planned on getting together with his band one last time. They were going to reunite, just for him and do a SAVE FERRIS aka RUS party. I tried to laugh with him and just listen and tell him to do whatever it is, he needs to do. But plan to try to see him Monday instead and told him we love him.

So that night, I had to pick up my husband because he had to park his truck and trailor in the yard further away. I didnt know if I would be taking him back with us or taking him to his friends and I didnt want to ask either. I took the kids with me and then just drove home with him, being that his motorcycle and van were there. We got home, he showered and we went to bed. I didnt know what to do. But then he playfully smacked my arm and the foreplay bagan. I’m so addicted to him. And being that we dont have a problem in that area, when he rolled back over, he kind of laughed and said “We’re supposed to hate eatchother” I said I could never do that.

This morning we made love once more and then he got up, showered, dressed and asked about his tv stand, saying he guessed he’d be moving more stuff out. And said he was gonig to the concert he booked. I said have fun but I was tearing up a little . He asked what’s wrong and I said, its just hard. He said well this is what you wanted isnt it? I said nothing and he said because you just dont want to do anything different.