Finding Elvis

Elvis Presley cor 06

Elvis Presley cor 06 (Photo credit: Luiz Fernando / Sonia Maria)

I cannot remember a time before I loved Elvis. My mother said she didn’t even know that I knew who he was until one day at a drug store, I saw an Elvis Album and I just started saying “Elvis, mom” Over and over again.

It’s true but it’s also hard to admit. I have a fear of categorizing myself as one of those crazy Elvis fanatics who think he’s still alive. Although, I have secretly wished it were true in the past.

I used to listen to my dads 8 track of Elvis’s greatest hits with headphones on and sing every song until my mom would ask me to give it a rest for a while. I watched all his movies and wished I knew him. My parents said they were going to take me to see him because he was scheduled to perform nearby in Binghamton, NY but he never made it. He passed away that summer before. I remember my parents reading about it in the newspaper and I cried when I found out.

As I got older, the impersonators started popping up. I despised them. They always over did it and made me begin to hate hearing even the real Elvis saying something in a movie that one of them might use. I also did not like the fanatics that cried and collected all sorts of Elvis memorabilia. Even though I understood their fascination with him, I always felt like I was the only one who truly appreciated him.

When I got married, my husband was a truck driver and for our honey moon we traveled in his truck to Memphis, so we decided to visit Graceland. It was hard to believe Elvis actually lived there. It was a dream come true to have gone there. But if only I could meet him.

A few years ago, my husband wanted me to watch a YouTube video of an Elvis impersonator. He was scouting out some for a talent agency he was working for. But I kept saying no because I just knew I was gonna hate him and then I’d be angry about it. There could never be another Elvis.

Finally after days of persuasion, I finally watched. In the video I saw he was wearing makeup that gave a little more of Elvis’s facial appearance but I was still skeptical. Then he started singing. I kept watching in disbelief. And at times because I knew it wasn’t really Elvis, I closed my eyes to concentrate on the voice. Every note was genuine. He didn’t have to force himself to replicate Elvis’s voice. It was very natural. I couldn’t believe it.

So eventually, we went to go see him perform live. Unfortunately, he was performing with a couple other Really bad Elvis Imposters and I had to fake smiles and pretend to enjoy myself until the reincarnated one finally came out. He was the real deal.

After the show, my mother in law made him sing In the Ghetto. And instead of the tracks he usually sings to, he took out his guitar and actually knew how to play. When you watch the video that I took, it’s dark and hard to make out his face, but that was ok because, I got to hear Elvis sing in person after all.

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What Comes First? Trust or Communication?

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Another argument this morning before work. Started when my husband was about to leave and made a snide comment about saying goodbye to me. He thought he was being funny, but it had to do with what happened Sunday when I told him I felt like getting outside because it was so nice. He was brushing his teeth, so I knew he was getting ready to do something but he hadnt told me anything. He said he was thinking about riding his bike. But then asked like what? I said maybe go to the boardwalk and take the girls. He said the boardwalk? With a tone that sounded like he was not interested. And I just said yeah well it was outside anyhow. I was hoping he would offer some other idea. But he said nothing and I didnt want to start any arguments. But then he just got dressed and left without even saying good bye.

Today, he claimed he “forgot” to say goodbye. I don’t know how that was possible when he paused right before he walked out the door near where I was sitting and looked at our daughter before he left. Anyhow, he thought I was just mad because he didn’t say goodbye. Does anyone else understand why else I might have been mad? Is it just me?

During the argument  he slammed the door and cursed and yelled, at which point I told him he wins because he louder and scarier. Then he left and I went to work. Our youngest daughter knew we argued because she overslept and I had to take her to school, but she stayed outside during it and when she got done, she walked with her cousin to her house and they text me. I went home and he got home shortly after, and then asked me what was for dinner in a nonchalant manner. I said probably hot dogs cuz I had forgotten to thaw out anything and I had to go pick up Jess. He just smiled and then took my hand and lead me to our room. Lay me down and started talking about how he had been waiting for 6 months for me to tell him I still want him and want to be with him but that I haven’t said that. I told him how the arguments to not make me want to say that. He said we can work on that but we need to rebuild trust first before we can have good communication. And I said its hard to rebuild trust without good communication. He did kind of agree but still thinks that we have to work on the trust issue first. And because of our past problems, he still thinks I need to work on helping him trust me by leaving my job and temporarily taking a break from the band.

He said he will help me get with a better band because he thinks I’m wasting my talent. This is not new. He has always said this. But I always feel that the guys he tries to get to play for me, are already doing their own thing and are not really wanting to be a part of something else. But he says I’m wrong and that I’m too hard on myself. He says he wants me to be happy and pursue music but he just cant stand to see me settling when he knows I’m better then that. And not in the way that I’m gonna be famous or anything but just doing more of the music I really love.

He also says I do not talk to him and tell him anything. He may be right on this stuff. I tell him its because I do not want to argue and also because sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. He says he is just so frustrated because I don’t tell him what I’m thinking and he just wants me to stop shutting down and suggest stuff for us to do but that if I don’t have any ideas, tell him I don’t and ask him to help me. He wants us to do stuff together but be able to do things separately if we want to but when we want to do stuff together, to compromise. Its so tiring.  We agree we do not want to actually physically be with anyone else but we cant stay together like we are now. He thinks we need to work on helping him build up trust again and that all the problems that I have with him are now all stemming from what I did wrong.

So if I quit my job and take a short break from the band, that will help him see that I’m trying and he wont have to worry about what I’m doing when he’s on the road. And if I cant do that and I don’t want to work things out, then in a few weeks when he starts making money again, he will move out.

Something Wrong with Me

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Pictu...

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Picture taken in Brazil, where 14-carat is the most common kind of gold used in jewelry. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today my husband  asked if I was going to the store. I said no. He said well we dont have anything to drink. Meaning fruit juice and/or Dr Pepper or Chocolate milk. But he walked away and I got busy cleaning out shelves in the kitchen, dishes and laundry and after kids got home, he said “You need to go to the store, there’s nothing to drink and what’s for dinner so we can start thawing stuff out or whatever.” I didnt say anything, but I started looking at what we have and if I needed anything to get at the store besides drinks. Then he says again, you need to go to the store. And I said well I need to look and see what I might need for dinner when I go. And he gets anxious saying I can decide that when I get there. I was like well if I make tacos, I want to see what I have or dont first. And I think he started saying well I told you before there’s nothing for me to drink. So I handed him a bottle of Aquafina. Then he says, what if I dont feel like water? I said well if you’re dying of thirst I’m sure you’ll drink it. He’s also always saying what I could have done. So I said if you were so….thirsty earlier, you could have taken the food card and gone out and got it yourself. So then he gets pissed, gets dressed and demands the card. I calmly let him know there’s less then $100 left til next week and he gets mad about that. I also asked if he could pick 1 other thing up and he said no as he kept cussin me out for not handing him the card already.

When he got back, eventually he started making snide comments while I was downloading some songs, like “No wonder you are playing at a hotel, with all them 70’s songs” He doesnt even have a clue as to why we are even playing at the hotel and now I really dont want him to be there. Anyhow, everytime he said something critical, I calmly asked, are you trying to start something and he kept saying no of course. Then he was trying to be funny by making fun of my butt and giving me the bird and being vague about date night.  Was I really supposed to be over it and joke around too?

I made dinner and got our daughter to eat with me and I didnt offer him anything but everything was up there and I left stuff out for him. He just looked at it and at me and then went into the bathroom. Shortly after dinner, he quietly asked out daughter about going to watch his buddies at band practice. But then said nevermind. Never asked me or told me anything. I left while he was in the shower after my daughter told me what he was doing. I just wanted to put gas in my car and maybe move some money from the bank before he spends it all. I put $150 in the other day to pay electric bill and he took 60 and ordered Pizza. And still worried he’ll spend rest of it tonight.

When I got home, he was gone. I text him about how he’s still doing the same old things when he wants me to do something new. But I have been doing new stuff. I joined a band and I’m practicing keyboard again. He talks about date night, but I have to be the one to plan it. Oh and he wishes I were more spontaneous because he does stuff last minute, yet I cant plan anything with him last minute because I have to let him know ahead of time so he dont decide to do something else on that day. And I feel that whatever it is I choose to do, it better be something he likes regardless of what he says about dining out at Bk or going for a drive for date night. I’m so tired of the arguing. We go round and round all the time.

And yet, I’m still vulnerable to him. How is that possible? With all the stuff that not just irritates me, but everything that is so disrespectful to me and our kids. There has to be something wrong with me.

Frustrations

So my husband came home early Friday morning after being over the road for the last couple weeks. He was supposed to have been home a few days earlier but the truck kept breaking down and put him behind on his appointments. And the owner has not yet paid him for all the trips he ran, saying because they had to fix the truck, they couldnt afford to pay him yet. They were also not happy about fixing the truck, kept trying to push it further, saying they would fix it when he got back with it. But while he was parked on an incline at a rest area, he said something about the truck rolling back and not having brakes for 1 of the tires and that luckily he stopped it at the curb because if it had jumped the curb, the trailor would have gone into the woods down the side of a mountain and him with it. So now he’s going to go back to work for someone else he used to drive for. Supposed to be flying out on Tuesday

While he’s been on the road, we have had a few arguments and some emotional exchanges. Some of his frustrations have been because he says alot of my attitude tells him that I’m done and yet he keeps seeing signs of hope. But the fact that I do not come right out and say I want to stay or I want to go is making him crazy. He’s right. And even though I am going to a lawyer for advice, I am still feeling confused. I do care about him, I do love him. I dont know that I’m “in” love with him. And it hurts to admit that even if only to myself. I know I’m supposed to do what’s right for me and for my kids but I keep second guessing what that is. He thinks that all of the issues we have can be worked on and we can succeed if we communicate and focus on us as a couple and trusting eachother. I dont know. Of course for his sake and for our kids, I would LOVE to make it work. Even a little for my sake, because I like having him here with us at night. But then I just want him to go away because I feel more stressed with him around.

Anyhow, let me get back to Friday. I met him at a parking lot at 2am, where he handed me all of his stuff from the truck and I put it in the car. Then I followed him to the owner’s home where he dropped off the truck and keys. We got back home and back to sleep about 4:30 am. There was some intimacy and then he left the room for awhile not able to sleep. When he did come back to sleep, it was for only a few hours because he planned to bring a couple of cases of bagels he had obtained from one of his pickups to some friends and then his friend was meeting him at our house to inspect and pack up equipment for their paranormal investigations that they had set up for the weekend.

I decided to go work out and stay out of the way while they went over whatever it was they did. Before I left, my husband asked me for my credit card for Pizza. I gave him cash instead, he wanted $30. On my way back I picked up some bottled water for them and when I got home, he had not ordered Pizza. But again wanted my card to get the extra money out of my account that his mother mistakenly put in there. I gaven him $45 in cash instead as I reminded him about the $30 he already still had.

To catch you up to date, last weekend he told me to pay the cell phone bill and he would pay this other bill when his paycheck cleared. I had to wait til Saturday for the check to clear, but when it did, I paid the cellphone. Shortly after that while me and our kids were out at our resort, he text me asking if the account number he had was my bank account. I said yes and then he says something about paying the cellphone bill. I said I already paid it. Then he gets mad because I did not immediatedly tell him I paid it. So he had paid the amount that was due for next month which ended up overdrafting my account and now this was my problem. Luckily, we recieve a $500 check that week from a settlement due to a class action foreclosure fraud against several mortgage companies that wrongfully tried to foreclose on many homeowners including us. So I told him I had the money to cover it. He never asked how, I guess he thought I was hoarding money again with my $4 an hour job at 20 plus hours making $100 -$200 a week. But when I put the check in, it took time to clear. So my guess is he knew the money was there and was looking to utilize it since he didnt get paid again last week.

However, he has been gone all weekend for the 2 nights of ghost hunting in which he had to pay at least one of the places to investigate. Sometme early this morning, he came home and woke me up telling me he was going to take our youngest daughter with him on his motorcycle to go riding with his step dad. They were gone til about 4:30pm and he immediately took a shower and went to bed.

My thoughts now are that he does not seem like he was all that eager to spend time alone with me. Granted his truck breaking down put him behind and he had this weekend planned months ago. And I was invited for Saturday but I had not planned on it because of everything going on with us as well as the fact, that going ghost hunting with him is NOT fun anymore. All of sudden in the last few years, he acts like he is an expert and as usual, most of the time my opinions are wrong if they differ from his and I often feel treated like a disobediant child if I express them. But besides all that, when he got home today, he was not eager to spend any time with me. And I know if I were to tell him this, he would tell me that I should have spoke up and told him that I wanted to spend time with him. Problem is that I’m not all that eager to spend time with him anymore. He says it doesnt matter to him what we do. That if we just have a date at Burger King alone, then at least we are spending time together. Yet he also says how he doesnt share my love of the beach, so if he goes with me there, then I have to get over the fact that he’s going to want to go somewhere where he can have a few drinks there too.

The more I write about everything that bothers me, the more bothered I am. And hurt. But my feelings are all jumbled up with sorrow for myself, for him, our family. Its got to stop.

 

 

In Love?

English: Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted E...

English: Love Book – The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Relationship Success (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(SOME PARTS OF THIS BLOG CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT. I HAVE TRIED NOT TO GIVE OUT TOO MUCH INFORMATION BUT IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU OR UNCOMFORTABLE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE)

My husband is supposed to be going back over the road. And I am feeling sad. I will miss having him next to me. He has been nicer lately but I know we still need to separate. The only reason we are not arguing is because we are not really talking. And he keeps looking at me with love. I can see it and feel it. I know he really loves me. I really love him too. People tell me it’s just because we have kids and all these years but I’m not “in love” with him. I used to think I knew what that meant.

Now it’s all so confusing. Especially, the physical relationship. There has never really been a problem there. Yes, sometimes it got predictable and humdrum and after my second child, I did suffer from extreme fatigue causing me to fall fast asleep before I could even attempt to initiate anything. But the intent was always there. And in the last several years, he has admitted to doing some research which has been paying off for me dramatically. I recently came across a daily email he gets on pleasing a woman when he needed me to go into his mail and send out his resume. After 20 years, one notices when something is different and maybe wasn’t his own doing which has caused me at times to wonder where he learned something from. But I also had to trust that maybe, like me, he had just decided to try something he had fantasized about. Anyhow, the last email I saw about a particular style, happened this morning and it was amazing.

Its funny because after he talked about moving out, we were not talking much and as one would imagine, no intimacy and then it changed and its like he’s pulling out all the stops again to hold on to me with sex. Granted, I’ll miss all of that if it has to stop but since sex has nothing to do with why I’ve been unhappy in the first place, its not what is gonna fix our problem. I wouldn’t be opposed to trying it non stop if I knew it could either.

Thing is I’m so conflicted about giving into it. If I don’t, he’ll know something is wrong. He’ll think its someone else and I wont want to tell him what the real issue is yet so he wont believe me if I tell him there’s no one else. I also don’t want to reject him out of selfish lust and out of enjoying the closeness with him, not knowing when the last time will be. But then it makes me feel like I am betraying him again by letting him think we are going to work this out, when as much as I’d like to, I still see signs everyday that tell me we still need to separate.

If only we could just not live together and still only be with eachother, I could almost see that as a possibility for me. But I know, he wouldn’t be okay with it and I might even start worrying about what he’s doing as well. I hate this so much, I just want to get on with my life and be able to make my own decisions without feeling like I’m going against someone else’s wishes.

Not Feeling Weepy Anymore

Despite All My Rage I am Still Just a Rat in a...

Despite All My Rage I am Still Just a Rat in a Cage (Photo credit: Alex Bellink)

So I was not able to get rid of any of my shifts this Easter weekend but I did manage to get today off and since its Spring Break for my girls, I thought maybe we would do something. My oldest wanted to go to our Resort in Cocoa since her dad had just paid it up to date. I was considering it even though its too cold to swim, there’s free mini golf, tennis, the hot tub, free movies in theatre, could fly kites etc…. And since my husband was home yesterday, I thought I would mention it to him to be nice and maybe spend a family day if he wanted. I asked what he was doing and he said he had to work. So then I told him what we were talking about. But he said nothing except mentioning that he guessed he should go to work since bills are coming around again.

After he went to bed, I was considering going there anyhow and bringing my daughter’s boyfriend with us but I decided it would be best to plan another weekend when we could swim too. I was trying to come up with other ideas for today, such as canoeing which wasn’t that expensive, but they were not impressed and my oldest opted to go to her boyfriend’s house today and my youngest wanted to go to the mall. It wasn’t what I hoped to do but I always enjoy spending time with either of my girls.

My husband however, did NOT go to work AGAIN today. He slept in. After the mall, we went to Walmart for groceries and on my way home, I was thinking of all the good things about my husband again and getting a little weepy eyed thinking about leaving him. Of how it was going to hurt the both of us. But when we got back, he was getting ready to leave. He helped with the groceries and then said something about going to the Sports Den to talk to the owner about bands. I’m sure he will but I’m also sure he is going to drink too. He said he was going to borrow my car, didn’t kiss me goodbye and just left. And now I am not feeling very weepy.