It Still Hurts

Tennessee State Line

Tennessee State Line (Photo credit: J. Stephen Conn)

I am sitting here this morning crying again. My husband kissed me goodbye and just rode off on his motorcycle, headed to Tennessee. He has a driving job and the employer is located there and would prefer to hire someone in that area, so he’s moving. He was working for an AC company that was going to help him become certified in different areas but when he found this opportunity, he quit.

Since I last wrote, we have been separated. He had moved in with a friend of his although most of his things are still here. But we have still been talking, texting and he has spent some nights over here.

Last Sunday, we all went to Disney together before our kids go back to school.  And he has been staying here ever since. We only had a couple little spats that were really brief but then again, we haven’t been talking about anything really serious and avoiding any topics that might spark something. Our oldest daughter, also made us promise we would not argue at the park.

Looking back, I have cried a lot over this relationship.  It seems we have always been separating in some kind of way. I love him despite it all but I’m just so tired of the hurt we cause each other even without intending to. When we are together, I do feel tied down at times, unable to be free in what I say or do. He says he doesn’t care but his actions say otherwise.

At the moment, I do not feel like writing about our issues anymore that led us to this point. I’m still having a hard time believing that we may never be together again like we have for the last 20 years. And if it’s really for the best, then why does it hurt so bad?


One thought on “It Still Hurts

  1. It hurts so much because you’re not just letting go of him. You’re letting go of what you wanted him to be, of what you tried to make/help him be. The fact that you couldn’t might also make you feel like you failed somehow and that hurts too. But you didn’t fail because you couldn’t get him to understand or see things your way or any other sensible way. Don’t be sad about not being able to do anything to “fix” him; you didn’t break him. His problems are his own. It’s time for him to begin to learn to accept full and total responsibility for his life, his words, his actions, and the outcomes that follow. He will likely need to fall on his ass in order to realize what he needs to realize but you can’t worry about how/if/when that will happen. You need to continue to focus on getting yourself fully in control of your life without him being able to sabotage it anymore.

    Everything is happening the way you said you would’ve wanted it to happen in the most peaceful and convenient way as it probably can be. Count that as a blessing and proof positive that this is the way it is supposed to be. Be thankful for it. As bad as you think this is, it could be worse and you know that it could be. You should feel more angry than sad considering everything he still continues to do to make it difficult for you and the girls to even just get by. I’m not saying you should harbor that anger, but it is okay and even healthy to be angry. Just don’t hold on to it. Let it go and forgive but by all means do not allow it to continue to happen. Because then it’s your fault.

    Take this physical distance as an opportunity to build the emotional distance you need to move forward. Stop communicating with him unless it is necessary. Don’t pick up the phone at night. Let him think what he wants. He does anyway, always has, and always will. If he persists, shut your phone off. If the girls are there at the house with you, then you can safely shut your phone off without worry of an emergency. Close the gap. You give him control over you by chatting with him. He wanted to be on his own so let him be.

    Mom told me about Disney and how he acted. Ask yourself, were those the actions of a man who was going to miss his family? Did he act like a man who was trying to win back his wife and children? No, Tracy. Even with moving out of the house, he is still doing what he wants to do and that is the root cause of EVERY problem you guys have had. A man who truly wanted to change or at least make a nice day for his kids because he truly was going to miss them would have been on his best behavior. And not for nothing, but what was up with the Marines hat? It so reminded me of dad. I would bet almost anything that he tells people he was in the marines. And please don’t say he doesn’t because you don’t know what he tells poeple when you’re not around. That hat did not give the impression that he simply supports the marines, it pretty much implied that he was one. Sorry, only mentioned it because it bothered me in the same way it bothers me when dad still does things like that. And I’ve personally witnessed James lying to people about himself on more than one occasion.

    Anyway, I’m sorry for being so long winded on this. Not alot to do at work today. I started by just wanting to sympathize with you but it’s still hard for me, mom and dad to think about all of the terrible things he has done to you, the girls, and us for that matter. Please, I acknowledge your sadness and it is warranted, but do not make it so big that it blocks out how awful he has really been. You know why you are where you are and you should never be sad about doing whatever it takes to get out. This is what it takes, Tracy. Cutting out the problem, him. I still get sad about Stacey and I think about her pretty much daily still but the heaviness of the sadness is less. It will get better. You are smart, you are strong and you have so much support for times that you don’t feel strong or just can’t do it alone. There is nothing to fear. This is true family and love and one day the girls will understand all of this too. I love you and am really glad you are going on the cruise with mom. Enjoy the heck out of yourself and maybe take the opportunity to talk to Mary. She might be a good person to talk to you since she is familiar but doesn’t know everything. Lord knows she’s been through a rough divorce. I’m glad both of you are going actually. Kind of jealous too. Maybe I’ll go on a singles cruise. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Not. Alright, I need to do something that looks like work now. Again, sorry for the long rant. It’s just hard from this end too. It has affected all of us for so long. It’s time to put it to rest. No more. Love you.

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