What Comes First? Trust or Communication?


This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Another argument this morning before work. Started when my husband was about to leave and made a snide comment about saying goodbye to me. He thought he was being funny, but it had to do with what happened Sunday when I told him I felt like getting outside because it was so nice. He was brushing his teeth, so I knew he was getting ready to do something but he hadnt told me anything. He said he was thinking about riding his bike. But then asked like what? I said maybe go to the boardwalk and take the girls. He said the boardwalk? With a tone that sounded like he was not interested. And I just said yeah well it was outside anyhow. I was hoping he would offer some other idea. But he said nothing and I didnt want to start any arguments. But then he just got dressed and left without even saying good bye.

Today, he claimed he “forgot” to say goodbye. I don’t know how that was possible when he paused right before he walked out the door near where I was sitting and looked at our daughter before he left. Anyhow, he thought I was just mad because he didn’t say goodbye. Does anyone else understand why else I might have been mad? Is it just me?

During the argument  he slammed the door and cursed and yelled, at which point I told him he wins because he louder and scarier. Then he left and I went to work. Our youngest daughter knew we argued because she overslept and I had to take her to school, but she stayed outside during it and when she got done, she walked with her cousin to her house and they text me. I went home and he got home shortly after, and then asked me what was for dinner in a nonchalant manner. I said probably hot dogs cuz I had forgotten to thaw out anything and I had to go pick up Jess. He just smiled and then took my hand and lead me to our room. Lay me down and started talking about how he had been waiting for 6 months for me to tell him I still want him and want to be with him but that I haven’t said that. I told him how the arguments to not make me want to say that. He said we can work on that but we need to rebuild trust first before we can have good communication. And I said its hard to rebuild trust without good communication. He did kind of agree but still thinks that we have to work on the trust issue first. And because of our past problems, he still thinks I need to work on helping him trust me by leaving my job and temporarily taking a break from the band.

He said he will help me get with a better band because he thinks I’m wasting my talent. This is not new. He has always said this. But I always feel that the guys he tries to get to play for me, are already doing their own thing and are not really wanting to be a part of something else. But he says I’m wrong and that I’m too hard on myself. He says he wants me to be happy and pursue music but he just cant stand to see me settling when he knows I’m better then that. And not in the way that I’m gonna be famous or anything but just doing more of the music I really love.

He also says I do not talk to him and tell him anything. He may be right on this stuff. I tell him its because I do not want to argue and also because sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. He says he is just so frustrated because I don’t tell him what I’m thinking and he just wants me to stop shutting down and suggest stuff for us to do but that if I don’t have any ideas, tell him I don’t and ask him to help me. He wants us to do stuff together but be able to do things separately if we want to but when we want to do stuff together, to compromise. Its so tiring.  We agree we do not want to actually physically be with anyone else but we cant stay together like we are now. He thinks we need to work on helping him build up trust again and that all the problems that I have with him are now all stemming from what I did wrong.

So if I quit my job and take a short break from the band, that will help him see that I’m trying and he wont have to worry about what I’m doing when he’s on the road. And if I cant do that and I don’t want to work things out, then in a few weeks when he starts making money again, he will move out.

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