Something Wrong with Me

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Pictu...

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Picture taken in Brazil, where 14-carat is the most common kind of gold used in jewelry. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today my husband  asked if I was going to the store. I said no. He said well we dont have anything to drink. Meaning fruit juice and/or Dr Pepper or Chocolate milk. But he walked away and I got busy cleaning out shelves in the kitchen, dishes and laundry and after kids got home, he said “You need to go to the store, there’s nothing to drink and what’s for dinner so we can start thawing stuff out or whatever.” I didnt say anything, but I started looking at what we have and if I needed anything to get at the store besides drinks. Then he says again, you need to go to the store. And I said well I need to look and see what I might need for dinner when I go. And he gets anxious saying I can decide that when I get there. I was like well if I make tacos, I want to see what I have or dont first. And I think he started saying well I told you before there’s nothing for me to drink. So I handed him a bottle of Aquafina. Then he says, what if I dont feel like water? I said well if you’re dying of thirst I’m sure you’ll drink it. He’s also always saying what I could have done. So I said if you were so….thirsty earlier, you could have taken the food card and gone out and got it yourself. So then he gets pissed, gets dressed and demands the card. I calmly let him know there’s less then $100 left til next week and he gets mad about that. I also asked if he could pick 1 other thing up and he said no as he kept cussin me out for not handing him the card already.

When he got back, eventually he started making snide comments while I was downloading some songs, like “No wonder you are playing at a hotel, with all them 70’s songs” He doesnt even have a clue as to why we are even playing at the hotel and now I really dont want him to be there. Anyhow, everytime he said something critical, I calmly asked, are you trying to start something and he kept saying no of course. Then he was trying to be funny by making fun of my butt and giving me the bird and being vague about date night.  Was I really supposed to be over it and joke around too?

I made dinner and got our daughter to eat with me and I didnt offer him anything but everything was up there and I left stuff out for him. He just looked at it and at me and then went into the bathroom. Shortly after dinner, he quietly asked out daughter about going to watch his buddies at band practice. But then said nevermind. Never asked me or told me anything. I left while he was in the shower after my daughter told me what he was doing. I just wanted to put gas in my car and maybe move some money from the bank before he spends it all. I put $150 in the other day to pay electric bill and he took 60 and ordered Pizza. And still worried he’ll spend rest of it tonight.

When I got home, he was gone. I text him about how he’s still doing the same old things when he wants me to do something new. But I have been doing new stuff. I joined a band and I’m practicing keyboard again. He talks about date night, but I have to be the one to plan it. Oh and he wishes I were more spontaneous because he does stuff last minute, yet I cant plan anything with him last minute because I have to let him know ahead of time so he dont decide to do something else on that day. And I feel that whatever it is I choose to do, it better be something he likes regardless of what he says about dining out at Bk or going for a drive for date night. I’m so tired of the arguing. We go round and round all the time.

And yet, I’m still vulnerable to him. How is that possible? With all the stuff that not just irritates me, but everything that is so disrespectful to me and our kids. There has to be something wrong with me.

One thought on “Something Wrong with Me

  1. Hey, been meaning to reply. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! There would only be something wrong with you if you were continuing to ignore/deny these things that he is doing. For him to get that nasty over not having any sweetened beverages is so wrong, Tracy. It makes me so sad and so angry. It is no different than my memories of him so rudely saying go make me a sandwich so long ago. He’s not trying. Don’t believe anything he says. Emotions lie. He doesn’t know what trying is. To him, it’s just not fighting as much or maybe treating you better. He doens’t realize it’s also him, his attitude, his spending, his drinking, and basically doing whatever he wants for his own satisfaction. Something as stupid as sugary drinks proves just that. You guys are struggling, hurting for money, living paycheck to paycheck, fucking-A-right drink water! It’s better for you anyway. You know what I mean? It’s not something that needs to be rushed out to the store for, not a necessity. Just another example of how much money he truly wastes and spends on himself. I don’t mean to make this whole reply about bashing him but damn, he earns this response. He has and is still draining every bit of security and well-being for you and the girls and always for his convenience. I’m glad you’re writing all this out but I’m so tired of reading about his selfish, childish, and down-right mean behaviors. That doesn’t mean stop writing, just hard to read. I just tell myself if reading this envokes such feelings in me, I can only imagine how you are feeling. I really do feel for you, Tracy. I long for the day you are away from him and able to regain control of YOUR life. And control is what it’s all about with him. Really. I’m sure there is a love that he has for you but it is not a healthy one. And he WILL regret losing you whether he admits or not. Too much pride in that little man! And I’m not talking about his size. He could be 7′ tall but his demeanor makes him the smallest man on the planet in my book. I’m sorry, I have absolutely nothing left for him in terms of respect. And that his doing, no one elses. I love you, Tracy. Don’t stop moving forward. And please keep reaching out and try to call when you can.

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