So my husband came home early Friday morning after being over the road for the last couple weeks. He was supposed to have been home a few days earlier but the truck kept breaking down and put him behind on his appointments. And the owner has not yet paid him for all the trips he ran, saying because they had to fix the truck, they couldnt afford to pay him yet. They were also not happy about fixing the truck, kept trying to push it further, saying they would fix it when he got back with it. But while he was parked on an incline at a rest area, he said something about the truck rolling back and not having brakes for 1 of the tires and that luckily he stopped it at the curb because if it had jumped the curb, the trailor would have gone into the woods down the side of a mountain and him with it. So now he’s going to go back to work for someone else he used to drive for. Supposed to be flying out on Tuesday

While he’s been on the road, we have had a few arguments and some emotional exchanges. Some of his frustrations have been because he says alot of my attitude tells him that I’m done and yet he keeps seeing signs of hope. But the fact that I do not come right out and say I want to stay or I want to go is making him crazy. He’s right. And even though I am going to a lawyer for advice, I am still feeling confused. I do care about him, I do love him. I dont know that I’m “in” love with him. And it hurts to admit that even if only to myself. I know I’m supposed to do what’s right for me and for my kids but I keep second guessing what that is. He thinks that all of the issues we have can be worked on and we can succeed if we communicate and focus on us as a couple and trusting eachother. I dont know. Of course for his sake and for our kids, I would LOVE to make it work. Even a little for my sake, because I like having him here with us at night. But then I just want him to go away because I feel more stressed with him around.

Anyhow, let me get back to Friday. I met him at a parking lot at 2am, where he handed me all of his stuff from the truck and I put it in the car. Then I followed him to the owner’s home where he dropped off the truck and keys. We got back home and back to sleep about 4:30 am. There was some intimacy and then he left the room for awhile not able to sleep. When he did come back to sleep, it was for only a few hours because he planned to bring a couple of cases of bagels he had obtained from one of his pickups to some friends and then his friend was meeting him at our house to inspect and pack up equipment for their paranormal investigations that they had set up for the weekend.

I decided to go work out and stay out of the way while they went over whatever it was they did. Before I left, my husband asked me for my credit card for Pizza. I gave him cash instead, he wanted $30. On my way back I picked up some bottled water for them and when I got home, he had not ordered Pizza. But again wanted my card to get the extra money out of my account that his mother mistakenly put in there. I gaven him $45 in cash instead as I reminded him about the $30 he already still had.

To catch you up to date, last weekend he told me to pay the cell phone bill and he would pay this other bill when his paycheck cleared. I had to wait til Saturday for the check to clear, but when it did, I paid the cellphone. Shortly after that while me and our kids were out at our resort, he text me asking if the account number he had was my bank account. I said yes and then he says something about paying the cellphone bill. I said I already paid it. Then he gets mad because I did not immediatedly tell him I paid it. So he had paid the amount that was due for next month which ended up overdrafting my account and now this was my problem. Luckily, we recieve a $500 check that week from a settlement due to a class action foreclosure fraud against several mortgage companies that wrongfully tried to foreclose on many homeowners including us. So I told him I had the money to cover it. He never asked how, I guess he thought I was hoarding money again with my $4 an hour job at 20 plus hours making $100 -$200 a week. But when I put the check in, it took time to clear. So my guess is he knew the money was there and was looking to utilize it since he didnt get paid again last week.

However, he has been gone all weekend for the 2 nights of ghost hunting in which he had to pay at least one of the places to investigate. Sometme early this morning, he came home and woke me up telling me he was going to take our youngest daughter with him on his motorcycle to go riding with his step dad. They were gone til about 4:30pm and he immediately took a shower and went to bed.

My thoughts now are that he does not seem like he was all that eager to spend time alone with me. Granted his truck breaking down put him behind and he had this weekend planned months ago. And I was invited for Saturday but I had not planned on it because of everything going on with us as well as the fact, that going ghost hunting with him is NOT fun anymore. All of sudden in the last few years, he acts like he is an expert and as usual, most of the time my opinions are wrong if they differ from his and I often feel treated like a disobediant child if I express them. But besides all that, when he got home today, he was not eager to spend any time with me. And I know if I were to tell him this, he would tell me that I should have spoke up and told him that I wanted to spend time with him. Problem is that I’m not all that eager to spend time with him anymore. He says it doesnt matter to him what we do. That if we just have a date at Burger King alone, then at least we are spending time together. Yet he also says how he doesnt share my love of the beach, so if he goes with me there, then I have to get over the fact that he’s going to want to go somewhere where he can have a few drinks there too.

The more I write about everything that bothers me, the more bothered I am. And hurt. But my feelings are all jumbled up with sorrow for myself, for him, our family. Its got to stop.




2 thoughts on “Frustrations

  1. Hi Tracy, I don’t know you, but I guess we somehow hooked up on wordpress. I’m sorry that your emotions are up and down. Unfortunately, I’m not the type that would always agree with most people about marriage, feelings and divorce. I hated that my husband was gone all the time. When he did come home all I would think about was that he was leaving so fast. We are true believers of communications and I told him that I never wanted to get to the point where I didn’t miss him, that’s why I came with him. But most of all I trust the LORD that when my feelings are up and down that I can focus on the fact that our marriage is based on love, and I know that love is not about feelings. Love is so much more, it’s a committment. 1Corinthians 13 tells us what love really is. When you read that you will know that we all fall short in the love department. When you read what love really is and begin to practice it you will see your husband in a different light and your marriage will be the better for it. Don’t let all the negative stuff in your life overtake you, overcome them and learn from them, Your experiences as well as the ups and down in your marriage in the long run will bless you and make you a better person not to mention that it will bless your children.
    Decide to walk in the blessings of your marriage and family.

    • Thankyou for your comment and I have been struggling with the whole love conquers all kind of mentality. But when he smashes my laptop and throws my clothes all over and constantly cusses me out when he’s angry whether our kids are around or not…….I’m not sure that trying to keep seeing the bright side after 20 years is working anymore.

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