In Love?


English: Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted E...

English: Love Book – The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Relationship Success (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(SOME PARTS OF THIS BLOG CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT. I HAVE TRIED NOT TO GIVE OUT TOO MUCH INFORMATION BUT IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU OR UNCOMFORTABLE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE)

My husband is supposed to be going back over the road. And I am feeling sad. I will miss having him next to me. He has been nicer lately but I know we still need to separate. The only reason we are not arguing is because we are not really talking. And he keeps looking at me with love. I can see it and feel it. I know he really loves me. I really love him too. People tell me it’s just because we have kids and all these years but I’m not “in love” with him. I used to think I knew what that meant.

Now it’s all so confusing. Especially, the physical relationship. There has never really been a problem there. Yes, sometimes it got predictable and humdrum and after my second child, I did suffer from extreme fatigue causing me to fall fast asleep before I could even attempt to initiate anything. But the intent was always there. And in the last several years, he has admitted to doing some research which has been paying off for me dramatically. I recently came across a daily email he gets on pleasing a woman when he needed me to go into his mail and send out his resume. After 20 years, one notices when something is different and maybe wasn’t his own doing which has caused me at times to wonder where he learned something from. But I also had to trust that maybe, like me, he had just decided to try something he had fantasized about. Anyhow, the last email I saw about a particular style, happened this morning and it was amazing.

Its funny because after he talked about moving out, we were not talking much and as one would imagine, no intimacy and then it changed and its like he’s pulling out all the stops again to hold on to me with sex. Granted, I’ll miss all of that if it has to stop but since sex has nothing to do with why I’ve been unhappy in the first place, its not what is gonna fix our problem. I wouldn’t be opposed to trying it non stop if I knew it could either.

Thing is I’m so conflicted about giving into it. If I don’t, he’ll know something is wrong. He’ll think its someone else and I wont want to tell him what the real issue is yet so he wont believe me if I tell him there’s no one else. I also don’t want to reject him out of selfish lust and out of enjoying the closeness with him, not knowing when the last time will be. But then it makes me feel like I am betraying him again by letting him think we are going to work this out, when as much as I’d like to, I still see signs everyday that tell me we still need to separate.

If only we could just not live together and still only be with eachother, I could almost see that as a possibility for me. But I know, he wouldn’t be okay with it and I might even start worrying about what he’s doing as well. I hate this so much, I just want to get on with my life and be able to make my own decisions without feeling like I’m going against someone else’s wishes.

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