Moment by Moment

This whole decision to leave my husband has been an emotional rollercoaster. My feelings change from moment to moment. This morning after I got ready for work, I went in and kissed my husband goodbye as he was still sleeping. My thoughts were similar to when you see your children sleeping and think how sweet they are “when they are sleeping” ha ha. Still it made me think about all his good qualities and how I know he will be hurt by my decision. Even now, I am choking up about this.

So I worked and before I left, my manager called me over. She said she was told by the GM of my plans to seek counseling for a Divorce. She was very understanding. I also told another coworker who commented that he’s worthless and I’ll will feel so much better. Even though she doesn’t know my husband, she’s been through a divorce. But again it hurt to hear that about him and not want to defend him. Again, I am starting to tear up.

Then tonight, my daughter said she was invited to go Go karting with boyfriend and his family tomorrow. I asked how much it was, she didn’t know. I was doing something else and we didn’t finish the discussion. But after I took a shower, she had gone to ask her dad. I walked by and he asked if I was working tomorrow. I said yes and then he continued to tell her No because both of us were working and she needed to stay home with her sister.

So after my daughter left the room, I went to try to talk to him about it saying that I didn’t have to leave for work until 11:15 and maybe our other daughter would not have to be home alone for that long. But he immediately was dismissive with me saying something like we are both working and Jess shouldn’t be alone and that’s it. So I responded something like, I’m not one of your children and I was trying to talk to you like an adult but I guess you have made up your mind and you are over riding me like always and your decision is final. Something else was said and then he said something like I know you are not my kid and I’m not over riding you…..blah blah blah. Then said “Ok so tell what you are gonna say” But he said it with that tone of voice that meant it didn’t matter what I said, he had made up his mind. And that’s what I told him. I also said I do not know how we are supposed to communicate effectively if this is your attitude. I asked him what time would she be going and he didn’t know but was certain they would be gone for more then a couple hours. To which I replied yes but maybe they wont be going until sometime after I’m at work and then maybe Jess wont be alone for that long. But he wouldn’t hear it. So I just left. A little bit later he comes out saying, well if you want her to go then you let her go and leave me out of it. I said “No I was trying to compromise with you and have an adult conversation with you” So he then says “Have an adult conversation with yourself” And of course I said” Well I guess I have to”

He is in bed now because he has to get up at 4:30 am he says. I was still semi fuming. Because after all, its okay for our 14 year old daughter to be alone when her 16 year old sister stays after school and we are still working. And its ok for her be alone for a short time if her sister is gone and I’m working and he wants to go somewhere. But his answer was no this time and he couldn’t even have a rational calm conversation about it. It didn’t have to meant that I got my way over him. I just wanted to discuss it and see if it could be worked out or just give him the opportunity to respectfully give me his reasons. Anyhow, this is another reason, that we will be happier apart.

Update: He got up at about 1am and then came back to bed sometime between 4:30 am and 6 am and is still in bed.

2 thoughts on “Moment by Moment

  1. I understand your position. I also left my boyfriend whom I was living with after a back and forth war in my head telling myself that I love him and care for him and then arguing how he treated me and how I sometimes hated being anywhere near him.

    What helped me was being able to take a few hours to myself, go to a coffee shop and reflect on who i was and what i wanted in life, with kids it’s more difficult but sometimes being selfish for ourown happiness and state of mind is better than being a loyal wife to someone who doesn’t appreciate you in the way you should be.

    • Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately it has taken me 20 years to accept this. I just wanted him to be “the one” so bad. And all the good things about him along with the positive changes kept encouraging me to keep trying. I also knew about his upbringing and past that made me want to give him as much time as he needed even though he seemed to have to learn everything the hard way. But I realize now I’ve done everything I can and I think you touched on something that I recently started thinking about that someone else mentioned as well. You said about you sometimes hated being anywhere near him. And someone else recently said how they had to look at some of the times they were together and it was a good time and think “Was it a good time because we were together or was it a good time because of where we were or what we were doing?” And that really got me thinking.In the beginning, all I wanted to do was be with him. Didn’t matter where we were or what we did. But over the years, there were a lot of times, I really just wasn’t having any fun with him. He always had fun because he was picking out friends to hang with and places to go. And if it was something I had chosen, I knew there was a chance he wasn’t going thave fun so alot of times, I just let him decide on things. I cant do it anymore. Anyhow, sorry for rambling, I really appreciate your feedback, it has been really helpful today.

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