Starting Over

I am finding myself very nostalgic and in a loving mood tonight. My husband has no idea that I am planning to leave unless by some miracle, we can work things out. In my heart I wish that could happen but in my head I know it won’t at least not if I keep doing things his way.

My brother is keeping me grounded by reinforcing all the reasons we need to separate. He was up visiting our dad and because of how my husband acted on our daughters 16 th birthday….he didn’t come to the house. I met him for lunch and filled him in on our most recent argument.

It started because my husband went into my Facebook again and seen a singles app. It was something I vaguely remember clicking on cuz probably said a friend or something sent me a message or a pic but in order to see it, you hAve to allow app access to your stuff and then you have to subscribe which I didn’t but I never got rid of it and hubby thought I was talking to all these guys and it was just an example page. I finally got him to realize it but he showed our daughter to be his witness even though he had already taken a picture. And we still argued and he smashed my laptop and started throwing out my clothes trying to get me to leave. I couldn’t leave like that without my girls. I was scared he would use it against me.

Now as far as his jealousy goes, he does have some reasons recently. And I will get to that later but let me say, I have never slept with anyone other then my husband since the 1st time we started seeing each other but my husband has always been worried that I would and out of love and trying to be understanding, I have always tried to make sure I didn’t give him any reasons to think he couldn’t trust me.

But now trust is really an issue and that is all my fault. Just when I thought I was really making some progress in that area after 20 years.

Anyhow, his cold rage and irate anger showed again. Even though he has never been a physical abuser, there were a few times he was physical. But it’s mostly the verbal abuse and controlling nature that he denies. Because of this, I knew I had to refuse to leave. I hoped he wouldn’t try to drag me out with our kids in the house but I really didn’t know I the moment. So I refused to go as I sat crying. And finally he stopped yelling and throwing my clothes. Then startted saying what he usually does about if I want to stay with him and asking me if I did because I love him and not because of the kids. Which sounds crazy but I do love and care about him. I just love our kids more and I need to take the hard road to prove it, I guess.

And now that is where I at. I am doing what I need to in order to keep things peaceful and loving as I research the group legal plan that I have and start cleaning out this house. Preparing for whatever the future holds. Ideally, I would stay here with our girls and he leaves but if he refuses to go then I have all of my family supporting me. I only hope that if that happens that my girls don’t hate me.


4 thoughts on “Starting Over

  1. jbogausch says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still in this situation. You need to do what is best for you and your girls. If this is a bad environment for them, they won’t hate you. Even if they aren’t happy about it at first, that will pass. I promise. I went through some things with my mom and I was very angry at her, but it was over something similar to this. A situation I wasn’t able to understand at my young age. But she kept trying and reassuring she would always be there for me and I eventually got over it. You don’t deserve to be treated the way he treats you and be unhappy. You already know my history so you know I understand the treatment part of your situation. I’m sure this is a good outlet for you since he obviously goes through all of your things. I hope you are able to figure things out sooner than later. Your girls will understand. Maybe not at first, but they will. Let me know if you need anything.

  2. You can do this. It isn’t easy but it will in the end be best for you all. I love you and will always be here for you. I am so proud of you. While I understand you taking ownership of what you may have done wrong, you ARE NOT solely responcible for all of this. I have told you repeatedly thatno one person can make or break the relationship. I think you will be happier when you have control of your life. Love you always

  3. Great idea using this platform to get it all out for yourself and for documentation purposes. I’m glad you’re letting others in too. I will be here every step of the way for you and so many others are here for you too.
    Only thing I want to comment on is the trust issue. I know how you mean it is all your fault but that only pertains to such a small reason why trust is really an issue and in the big picture it is nowhere near being only your fault. You have your reasons to have lost trust in him over the years as well and those go beyond just suspicions of unfaithfulness. He has destroyed trust by destroying and sabotaging the relationship in every selfish way possible. You can be realistic about your personal involvement that has contributed to certain outcomes but no longer can you blame yourself for anything to do with why your marriage is over because you are the only who has tried to save it. I love you and will be checking in here constantly. Reach out to me whenever you can and especially if you feel weak. Just remember to try as hard as you can to not engage him in arguing any longer like we said. Its couterproductive and a waste of energy. And make sure the girls know why you’re being passive. It is as much for them as it is for you.
    And believe it or not, this is for him too. He is not going to ever have a chance of changing in this vicious cycle you both have become accustomed to. But you, you are going to transform right before our eyes. I already see the difference. Stay strong and keep pushing forward. Let’s get the process started and let me know exactly what you need to keep things moving forward. I will keep everyone who needs to know up to date including dad. You are not alone in this and you won’t be alone after this is over. Love you, Ttyl.

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