I am finding myself very nostalgic and in a loving mood tonight. My husband has no idea that I am planning to leave unless by some miracle, we can work things out. In my heart I wish that could happen but in my head I know it won’t at least not if I keep doing things his way.
My brother is keeping me grounded by reinforcing all the reasons we need to separate. He was up visiting our dad and because of how my husband acted on our daughters 16 th birthday….he didn’t come to the house. I met him for lunch and filled him in on our most recent argument.
It started because my husband went into my Facebook again and seen a singles app. It was something I vaguely remember clicking on cuz probably said a friend or something sent me a message or a pic but in order to see it, you hAve to allow app access to your stuff and then you have to subscribe which I didn’t but I never got rid of it and hubby thought I was talking to all these guys and it was just an example page. I finally got him to realize it but he showed our daughter to be his witness even though he had already taken a picture. And we still argued and he smashed my laptop and started throwing out my clothes trying to get me to leave. I couldn’t leave like that without my girls. I was scared he would use it against me.
Now as far as his jealousy goes, he does have some reasons recently. And I will get to that later but let me say, I have never slept with anyone other then my husband since the 1st time we started seeing each other but my husband has always been worried that I would and out of love and trying to be understanding, I have always tried to make sure I didn’t give him any reasons to think he couldn’t trust me.
But now trust is really an issue and that is all my fault. Just when I thought I was really making some progress in that area after 20 years.
Anyhow, his cold rage and irate anger showed again. Even though he has never been a physical abuser, there were a few times he was physical. But it’s mostly the verbal abuse and controlling nature that he denies. Because of this, I knew I had to refuse to leave. I hoped he wouldn’t try to drag me out with our kids in the house but I really didn’t know I the moment. So I refused to go as I sat crying. And finally he stopped yelling and throwing my clothes. Then startted saying what he usually does about if I want to stay with him and asking me if I did because I love him and not because of the kids. Which sounds crazy but I do love and care about him. I just love our kids more and I need to take the hard road to prove it, I guess.
And now that is where I at. I am doing what I need to in order to keep things peaceful and loving as I research the group legal plan that I have and start cleaning out this house. Preparing for whatever the future holds. Ideally, I would stay here with our girls and he leaves but if he refuses to go then I have all of my family supporting me. I only hope that if that happens that my girls don’t hate me.