It has been a long time since I last wrote and I did not plan on staying away so long. Nor did I plan to come back with a whole new purpose for writing.
I am in the process of starting a whole new journey in my life. I am heartbroken over the upcoming end of the life I know because I wanted with all my heart for it to b a long happy one with the man I love by my side. But I am coming to realize that we have far too many problems. We had problems 20 years ago and now that we are still having problems, I do not want to spend another 20 still trying. I have lost faith that it will truly get better. And it’s extremely hard to walk away when I know we both still love each other so much. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the idea of leaving. It hurts to think about it and I know it’s going to hurt him.
And then I also think about being on my own. Making my own decisions about
money and what to do for fun and being able to go out w/ family and friends or band practice without having to worry about if I’m going to have an attitude from him before I go or when I get back or maybe while I’m there, I may get text messages and if I don’t answer fast enough, I get smart ass comments about why I haven’t answered. I will also not miss going to our daughters performances without my husband because he doesn’t want to go. Having to see my daughter get upset on stage because he didn’t make it again even though he wasn’t working. And then having to try to console her by telling her that I know he loves her.
My purpose in writing again is to keep a journal of everything of significance that happens as I make this break from him. However, I want people to understand why I am leaving and I want people to understand why I felt I had to stay so long.
So as I write new blogs, I will be updating new events or dramas in my life and take you back to the beginning as best I can remember.
- Ruth Rendell: a life in writing (guardian.co.uk)